Mother-in-Laws

 Oh, brother. Am I right? Mother-in-laws (insert large overly-dramatic sigh).

Why do some many women have issues with their husband's mothers? And mothers with their daughters-in-law for that matter? I understand that the navigation of such relationships can be fraught with miscommunications, unclear expectations, unreasonable expectations, etc...but sadly, I feel like this is looked upon as one of the most tense relationships on the planet, when it should be seen as a tremendous blessing.

Please, understand that I fully admit that we cannot all have perfect relationships...we are human and in being so, we are broken and bring baggage to every interaction. But I feel like 80% (a figure that I have completely made up and have no scientific basis for) of all mother-daughter (in-law) relationships can be (dare I say it?) GOOD.

I am blessed with a pretty amazing momma-in-law.

I'm not sure she she has always been crazy about me (I was 22 and Matt was 19 when we began dating), but she has always welcomed me, talked with me, prayed for me, and pursued relationship with me...and I hope that I have done the same with her. I love her.

Let me tell you about this lady.

She's up for (almost) anything:
She has taught every child in her family (nieces, nephews, etc) how to water ski. She even tried teaching me (which was an epic disaster). One of our first trips together was a weekend kayaking adventure...where only one person in our group had kayaked before and another was terrified of water. It was memorable.

She is caring.
Whether it's  was checking in on me when I got sick off of duck (true story) while staying at her house or flying out to stock my freezer full of meals as we expected our second baby, she's pretty much ready to help. And it's not just because it's me....she is that way to everybody.

She has the best laugh ever.
Her one quirk is that she laughs uncontrollably when people get hurt (minor hurts) or even when she imagines an incident when people have gotten comically injured (like my husband stubbing his toe - it happens a lot). It's pretty funny. Her laugh is really infectious and I would be lying if I said that I didn't feel the least bit proud the first time I got her signature laugh out of her with some off-hand comment. She loves to laugh and I think most people love hearing it.

She is a really great Canasta partner.
I don't think we have EVER won a single game as Canasta partners. But we relish in blatant "talking over the table," annoying our opponents with gospel hymns (the equivalent of canasta psychological warfare), and politely trash-talking Grandma...who never loses.

She loves.
She loves her family. She loves my husband. She loves my babies. She loves me...and we all know it. There is no doubt. Loves exudes from this lady when we are around and it is a comfort and overwhelming joy to us.

She is godly.
Ask anyone who has met her. That's the first thing they will say. Her sweet and gentle spirit is obvious and her faith in God is undeniable.

We are NOT exactly alike. But we definitely love each other. I think that's where a lot of the daughter/mother (in-law) relationships go askew.

My husband's mother is his mother...and I see the things I love about him in her. He didn't choose me to be his mother. He chose me to be his wife. Very different roles, but both incredibly necessary. So, don't try to be your mom-in-law. Just be you. BUT Respect and appreciate your second momma - because she did something right.

The power and support that can result from two women (three women if you count your momma/his mother-in-law) coming together and praying, lifting up, encouraging a man is AWESOME and something to be reckoned with.

So....let's put the whole myth of mother-in-law aside and just pursue what God has done and is doing.

Jane. I love you. Happy Birthday.

(Larry, you are also amazing and I will try to write something as equally uplifting on your birthday. I know you don't want to be left out of this gushing over the in-laws mess of mine)

Wordless Wednesday (well, kind of)

When did "friendship" get so complicated?

Just kidding.

Friendship has never been complicated. Not true friendship. Sure, fights happen and disagreements arise, but at the heart of it all there is a mutual respect and love. There's this grand dance of not only speaking and listening, but of truly hearing and understanding one another. So, most hurts are forgiven and compromise comes quickly and relationships grow stronger as a result.

Friendship is beautiful.

Enter social media.

Which mucks it all up.

Do you remember when becoming someone's "friend" actually required something of you...like time, space, effort? I do. I still do.

I'm kind of anti-Facebook. Passively anti-facebook.  I certainly have to use it as a means to an end.

I've been nomadic my entire life - so, it's a great way to keep up with dear, old, friends. Many of the groups that I am involved in communicate via Facebook...so, I've just kind of trudged along. But I've always disliked it. It makes things convenient for sure, but not easy.

It all seems like a good Mumford and Sons song, too much too quick.

If you can look past the fact that I have been blogging about my life for some time now or that once you meet me, I seem very outgoing - I'm a pretty private person. I don't want most people knowing my business and I don't need to know yours. In my writing, I use parts if my life to illustrate larger points...not just to prattle on about my life. I prefer relationships cultivated over long cups of coffee and shared experiences...not so much over shared links and news articles.

So, sometimes, I'm a bit of a bipolar facebook person. I'll accept friend requests willy-nilly, but then when my home screen fills up with pictures and stories and comments of people that I don't KNOW in real life...I go through and "unfriend." For one, I feel weird looking at all those personal stories...and I should. It's unhealthy to LIKE staring into the life of someone you don't know. It's voyeurism (at best) and stalking (at worst).

And the Truth? I also don't like everyone getting more than a glimpse into my life.

Call me old-fashioned, but I fear that most of us have lost a sense of what it means to be a friend. The definition of friend in my book is not: we met once, you looked cool, let's share all our intimate life details on a semi-public forum.

I fear for daughters. My three-year-old says that everyone is her friend and I'm a bit of a debbie-downer when I respond, "Well, honey, you don't really even KNOW them." This happens on a regular basis and other moms just share at me in shock.

Do I want my daughter to be kind to everyone? To be loving? Absolutely. Do I want my daughter thinking EVERYONE is her friend. No.

She needs to be able to trust her friends. She needs to be able to recognize friend from foe or mere acquaintance. She needs to be able to protect her space, her boundaries, and her heart...and her privacy. When did acquaintance become a bad thing? Since when have we felt the need to be best friends it everyone? Is living online really worth it all?

I've had a couple of times where a few great folks have pointed out my unfriending them or that I have never responded to a friend request. I've had to take the hard road and be honest that I'd love to get to know them in real life, but that it feels really weird forming a relationship online. 

Facebook re-shaping our entire view and concept of friendship will do and has done its damage...and I'm afraid that I might just take a step back. I really don't want friends who let friendship be defined by the hot-right-now social media site.

So, if your my friend on Facebook, HUZZAH. At some point, we walked closely through life together. If you're not. I'm sorry. We are acquaintances...and I would be more than happy to share a cup of coffee with you.

So, what do you think about Facebook redefining friendship?

 

The Pipes

To say that my husband is a man of "phases" would somewhat be the under-exaggeration of the century.

Since I have met him....phases have included (but have not been limited to):
Kayaking, Camping, Hiking, Coffee Roasting, Espresso machines and Barista-ing, Motorcycles, Electric bass, Upright bass, Fly Fishing, Skiing, European board games, World of Warcraft, Card games, War Machine (minis), Comics, Graphic Novels, Reading War & Peace, Cigars & Pipes, the Rhodes, Surfing (a foray into it anyway), Camper living (living in a van down by the river), The Dobro, Lutherie, Beer brewing, Cooking (like a boss), Leather working, Homesteading...

.....the bagpipes.

No. I am not joking. The BAGPIPES.

Let that sink in for a wee minutes, lassie. No seriously, for real...bagpipes.

But here is the deal. I didn't marry a man who suffers from multiple personalities or from a severe case of ADHD. For better or worse, my guy is legitimately and sincerely interested in EACH of these things.

The hubs would like me to point out that he supports me in my interests...and that he is AWESOME. Although he has pursued all of these hobbies, he has almost always MADE money from each of them and never lost any cash-o-la.  He also feels like the title of this blog post should either be "My husband the Superhero" or "Lydia Loves Matt".

Back to the point.

My husband has a lot of interests. Granted, the intensity of these interests waxes and wanes with our budget (hobbies be expensive!) or our location (no surfing in Wyoming).

The bagpipes have so far been a great joy. Imagine waking up to the latest downloadable piece of bagpipe music. It is memorable, but a bit much before having your morning coffee.

Imagine too (if you will) your three-year-old yelling at her daddy "Stop your singing! Stop your singing," while the one-year-old yells, "[me] Too! [me] Too!," and blows into the chanter like it's a kazoo. The wonder and merriment, of course) completely escapes the dog who refuses to move a muscle, but strongly expresses his disapproval with a low-growl.

I've taken to drinking sitting back and enjoying the circus.

So, my husband is a "Renaissance man" and I think sometimes wives can quickly become overwhelmed with the shifting fancies of such a fella.

But I'll let you in on a secret.

I have benefited made out like a BANDIT from most all of these phases in some way, shape, or form.

Kayaking (Crying hysterically floating down a death serene river ),
Camping (Almost being eaten by bear),
Hiking (Beautiful views from all over the country),
Coffee Roasting (Freshly roasted coffee),
Espresso machines and Barista-ing (Espresso drinks and latte art),
Motorcycles (This one I didn't so much care for),
Electric bass (Dating a musician),
Upright bass (Engaged to a serious musician),
Fly Fishing (A River Runs Through it in real life...without the violence and death),
Skiing (Skiing with my best friend),
European board games (Learning how to play board games that require strategy),
World of Warcraft (Level 82 Troll Priest),
Card games (Entertainment when the power is out),
War Machine (2-4 hours, all to myself),
Comic books & Graphic Novels (Becoming a fan),
Reading War & Peace (My husband still hasn't finished it sounds well read),
Cigars & Pipes (Pipes look really pretty),
Steel Guitar (Married to a man who can play anything),
Surfing (I got to go surfing too),
Camper living (We seriously lived in a van for like 3 months),
the Dobro (I mean, really...the instruments are never ending),
Lutherie (Saving money on all these instruements),
Beer brewing (He can make the ones I like),
Cooking (need I say more?),
Leatherworking (Can you say "purse"),
Homesteading (One day we will be self-sustaining-ish).

Bagpipes... I will finally get to see my husband in a kilt...he's got the legs for it. 

Anyhow, what is the strangest thing you or your significant other have taken up?

Part 5: The Day....

Things I have learned about PTSD:

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is most often viewed as a "veterans' disease" or something that victims of rape or violence suffer from. The general public thinks of it in terms of big "T" trauma.

However, it can happen to many of us...and can be the result of other types of trauma. Trauma that when viewed side-by-side with rape or mob violence seems kind of "puny" and "pathetic."

Women are considered more "at risk" to develop PTSD. Also, people who naturally have lower levels of cortisol in their bodies are more "at risk" to develop PTSD.

I fall into both of these categories. I am a woman and I've known that my body doesn't naturally make enough cortisol since I was 15.

Oh, AND I experienced trauma...when my daughter almost died.

I also experienced prolonged exposure to this traumatic stress during our three months of uncertainty concerning her enlarged noggin.'

I'm working through it. I'm seeing a therapist. After months of living with it, I finally decided that something was actually wrong.

I still jump up when I hear loud noises. I run (as in jump out of my chair and sprint) to my children when they have fallen. If my kids bump their heads, I do a basic neuro check...seriously.

I probably "check-in" on my children way more often than I would have - had we never experienced the fall. And my kids know that momma is NOT MESSIN' when I say "Hold onto the rail!" and "No playing on the stairs!"

I often experience uncontrollable shakes when I think about that day and I cry when I tell the story.

But I do NOT crumble into tears at the slightest event or noise...and that's an improvement.

This past Christmas, my now toddling, dare-devil of a baby climbed onto a toilet, lost her footing, and bonked her head on our iron sink. After I scooped her up....she threw up all over me. I admit, we ran her across the street. They checked her out, reassured us that we did the right thing by bringing her in, watched her for an hour, and then let us go home.

Trauma just leaves scars....and some are longer-lasting than others.

Most everyone around me understands and gives me room. There are some who don't.

The other evening a woman said rather pointedly in my general direction:

"I'm just more laid-back than some people. I'm not a fearful person. I mean, my kid fell 20 feet and I don't jump up every time he falls."

Well, I didn't respond at the time. Because I was raised to be a lady (and ladies don't pummel rude women in the head with flying objects).

But that is awesome that you are so incredibly laid back. It's also awesome that your child fell 20ft and suffered absolutely no physical injuries. My daughter wasn't that lucky.

I don't LIKE being this way. I certainly don't do it to get attention I'm hilarious and prefer to get my attention via inappropriate jokes and well-written blog posts. It is not generally in my character to be so neurotic. I wish I could have just moved along without being affected in any way. It doesn't make me less laid back or less faithful. It makes me broken.

Please, don't use your "well-adjustedness" to shame me into feeling like I am "lesser" or "wanting."

PTSD is a path I am walking (you know, the one that God laid out for me before any of us came into existence). I don't expect others to understand how it feels. However, I do expect that we all give one another GRACE. In the Bible I read, It's kind of a big deal.

PTSD doesn't result from a lack of faith. It is not the result of giving into fear. It's not a sin. It's not a mere side-effect of not praying hard enough or disbelief. It does not make me a lesser Christian.

I believe. My daughter was brought back from the brink of death. I BELIEVE.

My brain is just a bit broken right now...and I'm glad for it. It brings me to a place of understanding my own weakness and leaning on a God who is so much bigger than I am.

It helps me empathize with others who are walking the same road...or a different road...whether their trauma be "great" or "small."

It means my heart is turning more into a heart of flesh...and is not hardened to those around me.

It means, God is bringing me out of a pit...and I'm thankful that He is ABLE.

So, like I said....the title of this blog series could have been anything.

The Day My Daughter Almost Died - The Day Our God Answered Our Prayers - The Day I took a $37K Helicopter Ride for a Bad Cup of Coffee - The Day I Got PTSD....

Peace be with you all today.

If you have experienced trauma and suspect that you may be suffering from PTSD, I would encourage you whole-heartedly to seek help from a professional. If someone you know is suffering from PTSD, give grace, speak kindly, and pray that God will work.