Why I am the worst...

To talk to when it comes to miscarriage.

This is gonna be heavy. As a warning, many people responded positively to this article. I did not. I have my updates to further clarify my position in red.

Sorry.

This is my reaction to an article that has been floating along the inter-tubes. It talks of WHY someone who calls themselves "Pro-Life" should view miscarriage with the same gravity and mourning as they would abortion. It offers a few examples of how pro-lifers tend to send mixed messages about the worth of life in these two very different losses.

Specifically, that when babies are aborted people tend to count the loss as "greater" than that of a baby who has been lost via miscarriage. The evidence that she gives is that people she knows said "unfeeling" or "stupid" things after her miscarriage. From here she really does take GIANT LEAPS in assuming the general opinion of all pro-lifers when faced with miscarriage. Perhaps, she is writing a very pointed blog post to specific people who have hurt her. This is dangerous...because in essence her article berates an entire advocacy group.

Let's get a few things out there before I dive into this subject.  I have had two miscarriages. They occurred within months of one another. I actually miscarried our second pregnancy on the due date of our first...which I miscarried days before my birthday. Miscarriage is a reality in our family.

I miscarried our first baby in full knowledge of our social circle - surrounded by friends and family. I miscarried my second babies completely isolated from friends and family, thousands of miles away - no one knew we were pregnant to begin with, so sharing the loss with those we love was even more painful.

People said stupid stuff. Because people are people and most of the time people are trying, but in the end are ill-equipped to say things that are not stupid. If you are looking for comfort from people, you will always be disappointed. Always. If you are looking for people to say wise things and understand how it feels, then you are setting yourself up to be offended and hurt. Because no one knows how YOU feel and very rarely can they say the "right" thing.

One person saying the wrong thing doesn't give the author the right to imply that all pro-lifers do not value the lives of miscarried babies as much as aborted babies. 

To note the obvious (again), most pro-lifers aren't saying that miscarried babies don't matter or that they matter less. A pro-lifer's very existence, however, is to fight against abortion and to stand up for aborted babies. That's kind of their thing.

Pro-lifers have talking points and statistics and a knowledge base to work with when it comes to talking about abortion. The general response when a baby is lost via miscarriage is (if we're honest) "That Sucks." We don't have talking points on miscarriage and therefore, unless having gone through it, the general populace has no source of information or understanding to pull comforting one-liners from.

I'm gonna go ahead and put this out there:

Abortion is more tragic than miscarriage. I'm fairly sure the original author would agree with me.

Namely, because if you are pro-life, you view abortion as a mother CHOOSING TO KILL her child. That is tragic. And if you think it is less tragic than miscarriage...then, I am sorry, you are wrong.

Child-sacrifice...to the god of  self and convenience is pretty much on ALL levels harder to swallow than miscarriage. The injustice of abortion leads many (including myself) to mourn murdered babies MORE...

Miscarriage isn't a cake walk. Please, do not misunderstand me. It's not easy. But there is a comfort in knowing that my babies passed away, were mourned, were wanted, and that yes, were NEVER going to be born. I am comforted knowing that they were loved, cared for, and fought for.

I didn't choose to abort a healthy fetus. I miscarried a baby...and God knew it was going to happen before I even came into being. I find comfort in that.

I'm not saying my babies' lives matter less...I'm saying they LIVED the life that God had laid out for them and that it was not brought to a premature end and that their lives were full of LOVE. Devil's Advocate could argue the same point for aborted babies and that could lead to an interesting discussion, but that's not my motive here today.

My motive in writing is to say:

Dear Momma's Who Have Never Gotten to See Your Babies,
It's okay for you to mourn. It is okay for you to grieve. You will never meet your babies in this realm and there is a sadness to that. Your loss (that of someone you loved and lost) should never be compared to the mass murdering of millions of babies every year. Never. Not by others and not by YOU. If you feel a need to do that, then you need to get over your bitterness. You are still struggling with some very strong (and misdirected) emotions if you feel the need to berate others who stand up as a voice for murdered babies. I'm sorry that miscarriage doesn't get more "air time" or "coverage" in the pro-life world, but there is a reason. One is natural loss and the other is murder. There is a difference and the latter is infinitely more tragic.

She's here - completeness ensues.

Friday started normally enough. I returned to work that week and had spent most of my days setting up my classroom from early in the morning until late in the evening. Everyone said I was "nesting" and I guess that it didn't click as "nesting" (in my head) since it was happening in a classroom and not a nursery. Thursday evening I came home late feeling especially puffy with plenty of energy and pretty happy all around. Matt and I played solitaire (with real cards), snuggled with an abnormally snugly puppy, and even picked up pizza. I was convinced that I would be teaching a full week or two before the arrival of our baby.

I woke up at 5-ish the next morning - with some pain. I rolled over, looked at the clock, took note, and went back to bed. Pain again. Checked the time, rolled over, went back to bed. By 5:45am I knew that this was indeed pain and that there was possibly a rhyme and reason to it. I got myself up, told Matt that I was "having contractions, but not to get up," and then started packing a bag and doing some laundry. At around 7:30am we called the hospital and were told to come on in for monitoring.

We got to the hospital at 8am and were put on the monitor. While being asked a litany of questions, we watched our little girl's heartbeat and what were identified as contractions. They told me I was at three centimeters, but that it could be a while. Rose, our labor nurse, asked the midwife if we could walk around for an hour to see how I progressed (she really wanted us to go into labor). Sharon (our midwife) agreed. So, we headed home and walked.

After a sweet walk with Carter, my contractions were obviously stronger. So, knowing labor could indeed happen that day I did what any normal woman would do....I got into the shower to shave my legs. You haven't experienced a contraction until you've done so shaving in the shower. It was quite comical and possibly the most vain (vainest) thing I have ever done. We made up the guest bedroom - completed last minute packing and again, headed to the hospital.

We were put back on the monitor where contractions proved stronger and more regular. Sharon was skeptical that I was in labor - as Matt and I were laughing and playing cards throughout most of our time in the tiny room. I had progressed to 4cm...I think Sharon was on the verge of sending us home when I exclaimed, "Something is coming out of me!" My water had broke. There was now no other choice than to be admitted. We were having a baby.

Sharon was obligated to offer pitocin (she did so while shaking her head "no" throughout) and we were moved to our labor room. I can't really tell you much about it all - as it seems blurry. Matt put on "The Office" and various nurses came in to set up an IV line (in case I needed it) and the anesthesiologist came in to explain everything (in case I needed it). The talk freaked me out and I became even more resolute that I would prefer to not have needles stuck in me. I bounced on a ball and curled up on the bed...and then Rose offered the laboring tub. GLORY BE! The tub was amazing. It was hot and relaxing and I fell asleep while in it. However, it was extremely hot and I became overheated - so I hopped out after an hour and returned to our room. I sat in the recliner and continued to sleep in between contractions.

I must not have looked like I was in labor, as Matt & Rose decided that I should get up and walk around to progress things. Begrudgingly, I got up and completed three laps around labor wing. Apologies if you saw me during my tour d'force - I'm sure I scared many a woman out of the idea of ever giving birth. I was not dramatic or overly loud, but I definitely had to stop and breathe a few times and there may or may not have been vomit.

Upon my return to the room, I sat back on the ball and felt what can only be described as very intense pressure and a lot of pain. I looked at Matt and said, "I want the epidural." Rose calmly asked if I would like something to take the edge off instead and I eagerly stated that I would. At that moment another contraction hit and I made the delicate statement that I felt like I was being ripped in half. Rose eyed me and said, "I think we should do a quick exam before we get the drug folks in here. An eternity passed and Rose quietly announced that I was at nine centimeters. I looked up at her and bemoaned, "This means I don't get the drugs, right?" Rose excused herself and very quickly began paging various persons and wheeling in all sorts of instruments.

The midwife had me breathe through 5 contractions so that I could get ready to push. These 5 contractions were by far the worst pain I have ever felt...there is no way to describe it and I don't think I would wish to. It hurt. When I was finally allowed to push, the new pain was a relief. The had me push on a birthing chair - think a toilet - and then I returned to the bed for the actually delivery. I had gotten to the point where I just knew this baby was never going to leave my body when they had me reach down, guide her out, and put her on my chest.

I look up and see my beautiful husband with tears in his eyes - and I look down and see my sweet girl...looking really blue and gross. (Just kidding) The rest of it just faded away and our family came into existence.

Through it all my husband was the most amazing birthing coach ever. He knew what I needed more than I did - a quiet observer who held my hand and could calmly tell me that I was okay and that it would be alright. He cracked a few jokes and we laughed a little (a lot). He bent over backwards to keep me comfortable. He was a rock star.

All in all, I surprised everyone by going from 4-9 in 3.5 hours and only pushed for 20-30 minutes. For a first baby, it was a quick labor - she was ready.

We're home now. She's gorgeous. We're completely in love. We can't wait to see what God has for us next.

Thanks for praying.

The Sailor and The Whale

A sudden jolt and darkness. Something shifting in the hull...just bilge water. She closes her eyes praying to be rocked back to sleep by the rhythms she's grown accustomed to over the past few months. Not tonight. The shifting is now a predictable tap, tap, tap and she is hopelessly awake. Thrusting her legs over the side of her bunk, she slowly makes her way to the head. No longer needing her eyesight, she navigates the predictable route to her one place of solace. She sits....relieved somewhat by the simple routine of movement, but the tapping continues and she knows she's in for a long, restless night.

It's been an extended expedition. Over a year at sea with two failed sightings. Not this time. She has been tracking this creature too long. She knew her. Her comings and her goings. Her movements and habits. She knew it couldn't be long now. All too soon - she would see her. It would be spiritual and beautiful. It would be bittersweet - as all endings that precede great beginnings are. But she was ready. They were ready.

With a slight smile she lifted her heavy-laden body and again circumvented obstacles in the dark. She heaved her body back into the bunk, eyes wide, hoping that it was soon to come.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

37 Weeks

16 Weeks

21 weeks

24 Weeks

37 Weeks

37 Weeks

Getting Ready

We had our last appointment on Friday - which also happened to be our fifth wedding anniversary. Baby is looking good. Strong heartbeat, head down and "butt to the front" (anterior) position, 1.5 cm dilated, and I still weigh less than my husband. Not a bad way to start your anniversary.

Doc did seem a little surprised that I was dilated and stated that I might go into early labor...but who knows when? We're not stressing too much over it, but we certainly are getting a bag packed ASAP.

Here are a few pics of us "preparing" in our own special ways. Enjoy.

Lil' Girl's Nursery: A Photo Tour

Lil' White Bird from mobile. 

Other Lil' Birds on mobile.

Mobile from Lil' Girl's perspective.

From Daddy's perspective.

From Momma's perspective.

ABC's by momma.

Changing table - daddy painted it.

Reading corner. Thanks daddy for the pretty blue table.
Thanks Nana and Pop for the glider.

Baby's crib.

Lil' houses for Lil' birds.

Moses basket in the reading corner. 

Daddy's wall of gear: Bjorn, sling, and diaper bag.

Update: "Fatty McGee" Pregnancy

Matt and I were trying to figure out how we should reference baby numero tres. I was going for some sort of multilingual take on the number three...Matt has decided on "Fatty McGee."

I went to the doctor Thursday. I was immediately put on progesterone to help me through the first trimester and the decision was made to run a few tests. One in particular concerns my thyroid. My thyroid is healthy; however in some instances, a healthy thyroid can send out antibodies which in essence attack your body (including babies). I should hear back about this one in 5-7 days. The good news is that it is highly treatable. We'll see.

In other news: "Fatty McGhee" has the weirdest cravings. Baby # 1 didn't do the craving thing...Baby # 2 LOVED sweets...Fatty McGee is a person all it's own. Last night, it wanted a steak covered in nacho cheese followed by Nathan's hot dog. This morning (I sadly admit), it was treated to a Sausage, Egg, and Cheese McMuffin...heaven.

I'll blog more when we know more...or come up with more ridiculous stories about our baby.

Laughing...like Sarah

I now feel as though I know how Sarah felt in Genesis when the Lord told her that she would become pregnant in her old age.

This Friday night, I felt weird. I had been considering taking a pregnancy test for the past week - just to be safe. My body was giving me all the signals. So, I took the test...knowing my cycle was probably just wack-a-doodle and that I "couldn't possibly be" pregnant.

Enter the thin blue line. We weren't even trying - no clomid, no ovulation kits. Are you kidding me?! For those of you counting...that's 3 pregnancies in 365 days.

My first reaction was not laughter, but tears. I was happy and knew it was a blessing, but became overwhelmed with thoughts of "Here we go again," "But we haven't figured it out yet," and "I'm not ready for another miscarriage."

Then, my wonderful husband prayed for the baby and for his crazy wife...and I couldn't help but laugh. The Lord sure does have a neat sense of humor. WE WEREN'T EVEN TRYING! WE WEREN'T EVEN THINKING ABOUT TRYING!

Please, join me in prayer for the new pregnancy. We'll be meeting with several doctors over the next few weeks to make sure that my body is doing what its supposed to.

Blessings,

Lydia

At Home...

Thank you to everyone for your love and prayers. We miscarried tonight at home - which is what we were hoping for. I was able to see sweet baby #2. It was hard, but healing.

I'm going to try and post the story of Baby #2 later this week. Every baby needs a story.

Much love and Many thanks,

-L & M

I don't know how it feels...

I was on the phone with my sister this morning - as I am most mornings while driving to school. She was asking me how I was doing...and I explained how I was feeling. This is when my sister said something that I had never thought of before. She said, "I just don't know how it feels."

So, how does it feel to lose a baby that you've tried really hard for and never met...it feels bad. I wish I could be more poetic, but it's seriously stinks. It's not fun. It hurts and it's hard.

But back to the question...how does it feel?

You sit. You just stay still and try not to move a muscle. You give a faint smile to your hubs and just wait for a heartbeat...knowing you're not going to hear one. You try to put everyone around you at ease - knowing they know and are somehow now incredibly awkward and not as talkative as before.

You question.My first response was, "God, I paid attention last time. I thought I got it. I thought I learned everything you needed me to learn from this." Enter my awesome husband who responded, "Lyd, I think He's teaching me something this time."

You get slightly angry and bitter and yes, envious. You wonder "why me?" Then you realize that you wouldn't wish this on anyone else."

You cry. You cry. You cry.

You reflect and try to figure out what you did wrong THIS time.

You wait for the baby to come - praying it will come on its own. Praying for the opportunity to say "Hello. I love you. Good-bye."

You plan...for the next baby. You plan for the future. You plan on God's goodness.

You praise God.

I've been bad at writing

Let me tell you what we have been up to since my last post:

I was able to get a job here in Portland.
Praise God.
Matt passed the bar.
Praise God.
My job is going smoothly.
Praise God.
We were able to rent the sweetest little house in the SE.
Praise God.
We are becoming more involved in our church.
Praise God.
We found out we were pregnant in early August.
Praise God.
We saw the beautiful heartbeat twice.
Praise God.
We couldn't find a heartbeat today & our precious baby #2 went home.
Praise God.

A lot of things become hard to understand when you find yourself in a situation such as this. You might question God or His will or intentions. I get that. I've been there - twice. But - my God is a good God. He's a good Father. He is growing me and shaping me and He has a plan. I praise God even in mourning - knowing that my babies will see Him in His full majesty before I do and never know pain and sorrow. One day perhaps I'll even hold them - but I trust them to be in the arms of my Savior for all eternity.

"The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away; Blessed be the name of the Lord."

Story of a Miscarriage

I want to tell the story of losing my baby. I don't know if it's inappropriate or too personal for a blog. I don't even know if I'll ever publish this; but if I don't just get all these words out of me I might just explode.

We found out that we were pregnant on January 31, 2009. Both sets of our parents were visiting us - helping us clean our house and get it ready to put on the market. We didn't tell anyone. That day was unreal for me. Even though I was doing work - I was floating. I saw that plus sign as so many promises being fulfilled.

We waited another week and took another test. It too came out with a little plus sign and was just too wonderful to believe. We decided that day to call the grandparents and the new aunts and uncles to let them know. We would still wait a little longer to share with extended family and friends.

At 8 weeks we shared the news with our church family and our extended family. Everyone was so excited for us and we were so excited too. We had tried for a year for this baby and had been using fertility drugs for two months. This was a baby that God had promised me since I found out that I would have trouble conceiving when I was only 15. I was going to be a momma...and God was so good.

At 10 weeks we had just finished a trip to my husband's family to celebrate the marriage of his cousin. It was so wonderful. We shared the news with my husband's 93 year-old grandfather and the rest of the family. We talked about the future and our little baby. Hubby's mom even bought me a few little maternity items as I was starting to show just a little. We spent the whole drive home discussing names.

We came back home on a Monday. I started bleeding on a Tuesday and was fully miscarrying by Wednesday afternoon. It was the worse pain ever - the cramps were unbearable - almost as unbearable as knowing that I couldn't control what my body was doing to my cherished little one.

I took those moments to talk to the baby. To tell it how much Daddy and I wanted it. How sad we were that we would never meet him. I prayed for our little one and explained to the baby that God would take such better care of him than we ever could. I cried. I wept. I told the baby that any pain would end soon. It might be considered a futile act, but I needed it.

I bled through towels, sheets, clothing, our couch. Finally, I gave up and just sat naked in our bathtub. It was at this time that I passed what was recognizably our baby. It was heart-breaking, mesmerizing, and precious that God would give us the opportunity to look upon our little one just once.

I was in "active" miscarriage mode until about 4am. I just sat there for hours pushing...cleaning out my body - knowing that this was more natural and less emotionally scarring than a D&C. Hubby laid in our bed and listened to me just groan and moan. He checked on me often. He prayed and cried. I came to bed a little after 4am. I fell face down and just laid there numb to it all.

I woke up this next day - kept bleeding - kept crying. I read my bible and prayed. Hubby went and bought doughnuts and chocolate milk. We made coffee and just sat. Neither of us knowing what to say that would be of comfort. Both of us, taking our little moments to just weep. Not knowing how we were going to tell people - and immediately regretting telling them in the first place.

It's been a 2 weeks today...God is still so good.

God bless my Little Poppyseed. God bless my womb. God bless the babies to come.

Our Baby

Dear Friends & Family, 

Just as it was our joy to share with you the news of our pregnancy, it is equally our sorrow (if not more so) to share with you that Lydia suffered a miscarriage during the last few days. 

Monday, after a day of errands and light yard work, Lydia started to bleed. We went in for an ultrasound on Wednesday (10 weeks to the day) to check up on the baby. It seems that our little "poppyseed" failed to progress after the 5th week and that this pregnancy was not even viable when we shared the news with most of you. We returned home that morning and waited for the inevitable. 

We share this news now, so that we can avoid most conversations about the situation while it is still so fresh in our minds. We know God is good and we know He works all things for the good of those who love him, but it is still such a complete and full sorrow that at times it can and will be overwhelming.

We have not lost hope. We rejoice in God giving us the gift of conceiving and even still for allowing us the comfort of knowing that He now holds our baby. 

Please, continue to pray for us during this time. 

We love each and every one of you. 

L & M 

 "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, Blessed be the name of the Lord."  

Strange Things Revealed

Thanks to all of you faithful readers for making the contest so much fun. Hubby and I has a great time coming up with clues and images. And...as most of you have figured out at this point

We are having a baby!

Congratulations to our friend, Anthony, who made that guess just hours after Clue #1 was posted and officially wins bragging rights for being a blog contest "ninja". A more detailed post about the pregnancy news will follow tomorrow, but for today I wanted to explain each clue and how it pertains to our news.

Clue #1 Recap:
A cartoon picture of an alien (a mighty cute one).

Clue # 1 Revealed:
My husband thinks that all babies look like aliens & he's pretty vocal about it. I on the other hand think all babies are mighty cute.

Clue #2 Recap:
A photo of a sea monkey (or what you actually receive in the mail when you order sea monkey...I think it's some sort of shrimp).

Clue #2 Revealed:
Right now the baby still looks a bit like a sea monkey...

Clue # 3 Recap:
An Eggo waffle.

Clue #3 Revealed:
Juno quote Your eggo is preggo.

Clue #4 Recap:
A picture of an etcha-sketch and a magna-doodle.

Clue #4 Revealed:
Juno quote That ain't no etcha-sketch, sweetheart, this is one doodle that can't be undid.

Sorry, to all the folks who thought the sex of the baby was being revealed or that we were hinting at twins. I am (a) not that clever and it's (B) a wee bit early for that.

Clue #5 Recap:
An oven with a bun in it.

Clue #5 Revealed:
Well, it's a bun in the oven and I have a "bun" in my "oven."

Thanks for playing and for sharing in our excitement.

Strange Things Contest: Day 5/5

We've decided that since it is Sunday, we are going to give you guys a "two-fer." That's a "two for one deal" in "us" speak. So, You will find both the clues for days 4 and 5 below. Enjoy.

Clue #5

Strange Things Contest: Day 4/5

Clue #4

Strange Things Contest: Day 3/5

Clue #3

Strange Things Contest: Day 2/5

Clue #2

Strange Things Contest: Day 1/5

Some strange things are going on in our casa as of late (that's "house" for all you Anglos). Instead of freaking out about these new on-goings, we thought we would make a contest out of it.

The contest will be held over a period of 5 days. Each day, a new clue will be posted in the form of a picture. Using the clues (all 5 are relevant), you must post your conjectures in the comments section. You can guess as many times as you would like and don't be afraid to guess the most outlandish things you can think of.

Keep in mind as you play - we're not a business nor a corporation, so you basically win bragging rights...no moolah. Happy gaming.

Clue #1