Adjusting

The last month and a half has certainly been a time of adjustment. I haven't written on the blog or even called many people (besides family) simply because I've been in a season of avoidance...disguised as laziness. Who knows?

I thought that there would be plenty of stuff to keep me busy here in Portland. I had a house to decorate and settle, jobs to find, a husband to cook for and serve while studying for the bar - not to mention a city to explore. That's not really how it played out.

I arrived and nested for maybe a week. Then, we realized that it wasn't going to be that smart getting too settled - as we would move into another apartment or house in a year or less. So, then, I was just left in a house while hubster went to class. I went on walks with Carter-dog for a while, then I just wanted to sleep, stay in bed, and dream away whatever was bothering me.

I've been lonely. I've been sad about our lost baby. I've been mourning the loss of physical nearness to my friends and family. It's been a hard adjustment. Sometimes (before the job offer) I've even thought of how my death would benefit my husband in that he would get the life insurance and I would be with my baby.

Hubster thinks it's serious spiritual attack - as I'm not one prone to self harm. I think I might agree. God has been good and has kept many promises to us - so, even though things are still intermittently difficult - my perspective is improving. I thank God for the many blessings he daily bestows an know that this is simply another growing season in my life. I know God will use all my experiences in the future. I'm excited to see how he works.