I don't know how it feels...

I was on the phone with my sister this morning - as I am most mornings while driving to school. She was asking me how I was doing...and I explained how I was feeling. This is when my sister said something that I had never thought of before. She said, "I just don't know how it feels."

So, how does it feel to lose a baby that you've tried really hard for and never met...it feels bad. I wish I could be more poetic, but it's seriously stinks. It's not fun. It hurts and it's hard.

But back to the question...how does it feel?

You sit. You just stay still and try not to move a muscle. You give a faint smile to your hubs and just wait for a heartbeat...knowing you're not going to hear one. You try to put everyone around you at ease - knowing they know and are somehow now incredibly awkward and not as talkative as before.

You question.My first response was, "God, I paid attention last time. I thought I got it. I thought I learned everything you needed me to learn from this." Enter my awesome husband who responded, "Lyd, I think He's teaching me something this time."

You get slightly angry and bitter and yes, envious. You wonder "why me?" Then you realize that you wouldn't wish this on anyone else."

You cry. You cry. You cry.

You reflect and try to figure out what you did wrong THIS time.

You wait for the baby to come - praying it will come on its own. Praying for the opportunity to say "Hello. I love you. Good-bye."

You plan...for the next baby. You plan for the future. You plan on God's goodness.

You praise God.