Getting into the swing of things

Most of you will probably respond to this post's title with a bit of an inquisitive eyebrow raise or possibly a bit of a sarcastic, biting chuckle...and I would too - from the outside.

fact of the matter is that I do feel like I am just now getting into the swing of being a stay-at-home momma. Technically, I haven't had to work since June 2011 - it's been a while.

For the first 3 months of my stay-at-home momma adventure, we lived in a camper and in a friend's basement during the summer. So, really, it was more like vacation. There was really no need for "routine" or focus aside from meals. Not to mention, my partner-in-crime was still unemployed, so it was FOR REAL vacation and all duties were shared.

The following 9 months were spent being a stay-at-home momma while temporarily living with my parents. Matt was working and traveling a lot, but my parents were there in the mornings, nights, and weekends - not to mention I was just a few minutes from my sister and ALL the cousins and a car ride away from the other set of grandparents and a plethora of friends who loved us.

Now, it's been 10 months since we move to Wyoming. I had to get into the swing of living in Cheyenne...the swing of having NO outside support (nearby)...the swing of being a mom of two...a mom of two during/after a traumatic injury...a mom of a TWO year old...the swing of wanting and actually pursuing my own little business...and the swing of really wanting to not be here. That's a lot of swings.

And to be honest, I have only really mastered "getting into the swing" of surviving. Buying the groceries, cleaning the house, bathing the kiddos, teaching them about Jesus. And I feel like the remainder of my life will be spent getting into a new a different swing, as I feel like my life and the dynamics of our family are constantly changing. I frankly have no idea if I will be able to keep up.
I sure hope I do. I wish I could take more joy in the ever-changing adventure, but mostly it is sadness.

Sadness and loneliness. A swing I will just never be able to get the hang of. I sure do hope that this phase ends soon.

Blogging Again

I think I'll start blogging again.

To be blunt, there is NOTHING ELSE TO DO HERE.

(Let's back track and make this about as painless as possible. )

We had a baby, Sose, she's beautiful (that happened in 2010). I kept working and Matt stayed with Sose (hard, but good). I finished out the year (middle schoolers are awesome), whilst Matt and I planned to pack all our belongings into a POD hoping that do would do something - be it a job for Matt or a new place to live in PDX. We lived out that summer as nomads with our 9-month-old. We lived in our Vanagon and friend's couches - awesome. Then in August we returned to PDX and with no sign of a job for Matt in sight, we planned on staying in PDX. The day before I went back to work, Matt was offered a job in GA. We jumped on it. We sold the Vanagon (super sad) and headed back East. We lived with my parents for 9 months (Matt didn't make enough money for us to live on our own) and I stayed home with our kiddo. The job stunk. The pay stunk. The benefits stunk. A few days before Christmas we find out I'm pregnant (SURPRISE). We have no idea how in the world we will make it - but we trust. Come June Matt is offered a job in WY. We jump on it. I travel across country again only now 7 months pregnant. We move into a historic cottage downtown (read: old, piece of crap house). My pregnancy immediately gets rough. Baby is born healthy (YAY)...and now, 2 months post baby #2, I am coming to the realization that this township/village that I live in offers a few luxuries:

1) Plenty of fresh air - using blowing at 60mph - you're bound to get a lung full.

2) Plenty of time to knit...because otherwise, I'm going to a very depressing mall - to walk around and stare at the big haired ladies.

Anyhow. I'm blogging again. I hope you read. IF not, that's cool too.

Maybe, I'll just write for me ;)  

I'm Ready...

     The past five months have been absolutely mind blowing.  When you become a mother... when I became a mother, it was the first time that my identity was not wrapped-up in a profession or any kind of wordly acclaim. My identity became "Sosebee's  momma." I have never had to win over my daughter, she has always loved me. I've never lost her trust....although that day may eventually come. I am her "momma." It is the most beautiful thing in the world.
    
     It's similar to having met and married my husband. I did not do much to win him over, which I suppose is how it should be. I was simply myself and  I soon became Matt's beloved. I have disappointed him and I'm sure he has not always liked me. I may have lost trust, having to earn it back along the way. Those points can be more easily addressed by Matt. The point is my beautiful husband and child take me as I am - just me - and love me in my humanity.

     I'm ready to not be "Lydia - the colleague" or "Lydia - the teacher." I have enjoyed my job for several years and undoubtedly, the majority of time, I still enjoy what I do. However, with the birth of a child comes a change in focus and a change in mission. I am ready to just be "Lydia, my momma" or "Lydia, my wife." It sounds selfish. It's not that I want to just up and quit my job. I'm just ready to not be defined by it.   

My January

The first of twelve seasonal pies. This one is apple. Yum.



This was my January read. I have also read:

And just look at who I get to be around...

I'm sure February will be just as good.

Sneaking a bit of a write in...

It's amazing how little time one has when acting as wife, mother, and "out-of-the-home worker bee"(as I henceforth wish to be known). "Working mother" sounds so drab and let's be honest (shall we), all mothers work. As previously stated, a return to work has left me feeling rushed and pulled and stretched in every direction, especially those in which I have no desire of being stretched. I find it leaves me exhausted, as does the act of mothering; but mothering alone seems to leave one in an almost euphoric state of "spentedness," while working outside the home simply leaves a feeling of stressed emptiness. This, of course, is a mere observation of my own experience and not at all a commentary concerning working mothers as a whole. I prefer to leave that debate to others - my current existence is far too cluttered for such arguments. This extended state of stressed emptiness has helped to lead myself and our family to making a few monumental decisions. In actuality the changes themselves are small, but overtime will result in a rather different lifestyle.

One of these changes is getting rid of the TV. Granted, we are keeping our "picture box," but will only be employing it in the viewing of movies. I came to the sad realization that I would often come home and "veg" out in front of the "boob tube" for hours on end - to the detriment of our familial relationships. So, off goes the cable and out goes the TV into a less central (an not as easily accessible locale).

This small and tiny adjustment in our lifestyle has already brought to attention how much time was lost doing positively nothing of import or consequence. It forced a much needed, long, hard look in the mirror. I saw a sad, little, shell of me - and a few wrinkles, but no gray hairs, so.....

I have found time to do those things that were simply impossible to squeeze into my "jam-packed" existence. I've sewn, cleaned, talked to my husband, visited with friends. I have even found time to read...two books...since the beginning of the year...and they had nothing to do with self-improvement or child-rearing. How spectacularly brilliant!

Thus, begins my new year's goal-setting. I will avoid calling such meaningless life goals "resolutions," as they are fun tasks at hand...nothing that really requires a resolute manner.

1. Read a book each month & read through the Bible again.
2. Make one seasonal pie each month (from scratch)
3. Sew something (preferably clothing) every month.
4. Become better at taking pictures...and then open a photography business specializing in animal portraits called "Melissa Petpen Photography."

(Okay, so the last goal is obviously not a real desire - I just can't resist a little light ribbing among friends).

I do so want to keep you all up to date about our family and our on-going adventures. I apologize in advance, however, if I spend more time living my life and less time writing about it. The best to you all and a Happy New Year!