Thanks all for the wonderful comments/compliments in response to my self-confidence inventory.

I know that some may look at this "inventory" and think that I'm putting stock in what others think about me...instead of my finding my identity in God. I just want to reassure you that this is not the case. In Him, I find myself. Through the world, my vision of my "self" has been skewed. Through wise counsel and edification, I can begin to see myself more clearly - as God intended.

That being said...now what?

I must say, that nothing said was "news" to me. Your words were used as a confirmation of long lost callings and an identity that I rejected long ago.

When I was a child, I was wild. Not in a chronically misbehaving sense (note: chronically), but in the sense of being untamed, uncensored, raw, and feeling. As I grew up in the world - that self became more hidden, subdued, oppressed. I found ways to being mediocre, blending into the scenery. There are two pictures that come to mind that seem to make this "Lydia" tangible and real.

The first was taken while on a family trip to CA. We had spent hours in the car, my sister and I were bored, and my mother had purchased these amazing straw sun hats for herself. We played dress up. My mom (or maybe my sister) captured a moment that so very clearly captured me in all my young glory. Hat cocked to the side, model pose, confident in who I was, in my place in my family, and yes, in God's love for me.

The second was taken in the sixth grade. It was my school picture. Most people who see this picture think it was taken in the second or third grade. I have my hair pulled back (very tidily) and on my face sit these huge glasses. I have a very sweet smile - but my vivacity had obviously faded. I was a wallflower and I had worked my butt off to become one.

In my life I have ridden this pendulum of identity - sometimes being ridiculous and sometimes being painfully introverted. Swinging between two extremes, I long forgot the more "balanced" self I was as a child. I was introverted and thoughtful - but completely vibrant all together - like a nice work of art.

This being said, I'm taking back my identity - the one whose essence most of you have managed to capture in a few words. I'm reclaiming it - and with God's bringing it into balance.

1 comment:

  1. Anonymous7:06 AM

    I am so glad you clarified your intentions....this makes sense to me now. Unfortunatley, blogging can never replace personal communication and can sometimes be misunderstood. I hope my comment to you was not in any way offensive, as I was only trying to encourage you in a manner in which the focus was Christ-centered. I am so proud of you and the courage that you bear. I am also touched by your honesty and transparency. The Lord will bless you as you continue on this journey to be made new...I'm sure He already is, even though I know how challenging and heart-wrenching it can be. One of my favorite verses that I would constantly reflect on when I was going through similar times was Romans 12:2. I can see that you, too, are putting this into practice. Keep on fighting the good fight and He will continue to prove His faithfulness to you. I love you and am praying for you....more specifically, I am praying for you to experience freedom from all these things that can weigh so heavy on your mind.
    Your Cous,