Who is My Neighbor

I'm doing some writing for our church blog. Check it out here.

Looking in All the Wrong Places

I have long chronicled my struggles with depression, anxiety, and loneliness. Sadly, it is something so present in my life that it has been recorded and I don't see it's presence lessening in any sense of the word soon.

People often think that these struggles are situational. Hell, I have often convinced myself that if only X, Y, or Z - then I would feel better and be a better person. I would be whole.

But the fact of the matter is that my brain and heart are broken.

Moving back home had very little affect on my depression for the better.

I think it actually made it worse.

Aside from gaining the sunshine, I lost an entire community. It's the community that I had painstakingly built over a two year period. I again lost a house. An environment. A town. I lost things. Seriously, I have lost a lot of things in the moving process. My husband and I often joke that we are just not allowed nice things. We either have to give them up because they won't fit in the new rental or they break in transit. Not to mention the "wealth" that we lose every time we move. Moving isn't inexpensive.

I lost connectedness. I also lose a desire to be connected. What's the point of it all anyhow? I have built homes, communities, roots many many times in my life. All to see them ripped from my hands - never really an excited or willing participant. I have always just been along for the ride. Whether it's growing up an army brat or being married and just making decisions that are best for my husband's career - moving is a great adventure. But not all great adventures are happy. Most are terrifying. And my life as I have often seen it is very much battered and bruised if one looks at it from a distance. Large portions of my life are simply collateral damage. I have scars from moving.

Each move. Each new adventure. However you phrase it, reopens the old wounds. It makes the old scars a little deeper. And in a sense - I hole away until parts of me can heal.

The point that I want to hearken back to is the connectedness and the loss of it. I feel its loss very deeply in my current moment. Sitting at a table. Surrounded by my girls. A friend has just come by and brought us a gift. We had an incredibly busy and wonderful weekend filled with new friends, old friends, and church family. And yet, I am so incredibly lonely.

It has nothing to do with the number of people around me or even the number of activities I am involved in. It has nothing to do with a lack of family or friends or my husband or my children.

Why do I feel lonely? Is it to do with moving?

Of course it is. Moving breaks all the constants. It makes all the old reliable muscle memory wrong and outdated and suddenly the light switch is on the other side of the bathroom wall. It is to do with the move, but it is also to do with WHERE I look to for my consistency.

Where is my constant?

Where is my True North?

It's my God. My faith.

And oh.....how I have been seeking to avoid Him lately.  I don't want to delve into the depths. They are too hard. They are too many. They are too dark.

And yet....HE IS LIGHT.

At my worst, I expect God to plunge me into the depths, but He truly does seek to pull me out. He shines light into the darkness and the darkness is overcome. There can be no darkness where there is light.

I know these things. In my head. There are whispers of this truth in my heart.

Communion with God is such a marvelous thing and it can connect me to the world around me. It can make me feel part, known, whole - even in the midst of loss and anger and depression. There is still a sadness and a loneliness when I am with Him. But it is so much greater when I hide myself away and refuse His company.

Turning away from that Communion leads me into those hard moments - those hard journeys - and all is unknown....even my own heart.

I hope that you are each found today in a place of connectedness - whether sustained or fleeting. I hope that you find Communion. I hope that whispers turn into screams and ripples into waves.

Find you in Him.

My Mind is Working...

Overtime a bit lately. My mind is working overtime. All the time. Non-stop. Never-ending thoughts and questions and it is exhausting.

I meet with a group of women and we read books. The latest being Jen Hatmaker's "7." We are walking through seven months of taking something away in order to GAIN life. Real life. Real awesome life and freedom.  I like this book.

We are currently in our media month. Which means we take away media. I haven't posted on the blog due to this fast of sorts and I am likely to post much less during this month. The time away from my technology has been eye-opening and has revealed so much to both my husband and myself...and it's only been five days.

As, I have fled my computer (and namely, let's be honest, the internet), I have run to the WORD.

More, I have noticed a very real thirst to STUDY the word of God and not to just read through it. I reached out to a few folks that I know who study the Bible and they gave me some resources to aid in
my quest.

Because, see, as a woman...I have never been taught to STUDY the Bible. I have never been shown the steps or the process. I have been given reading guides. I have been offered the chance to learn from Beth Moore via DVD. I have been invited to countless topical groups. I have never once been pulled aside and walked through what actually individual studying of the word looks like.

So, these past five days, I have been ravenously reading the word, as well as reading books written to help me understand what my personal study should look like. I've been reading overviews and commentaries. I've really been having fun and more often then not, leaving feeling refreshed, uplifted, and completely TINY, miniscule, and undeserving of God's mere notice or affection.

It's a good feeling.

It's a feeling that has brought about a sort of righteous indignation....an anger. Why in the world is there not more out there for a THINKING woman?

Maybe there is and I have just not been pointed towards it. Maybe it's my fault for not knowing where to look. All of these are highly possible and likely.

But let's face it. If a young girl walks into a Christian bookstore, what is she to find? Not a single thing that teaches her the discipline of Bible study. (I totally admit that surely there is something, but it's nothing that she will automatically have offered to her by our current Christian culture).

You know what my life has looked like in Christian book titles that were thrust at me?

You're God's little Girl (Be Nice), You're God's Princess, Kiss Dating Good-Bye and (Whatever You Do) Don't Kiss, How to be God's Princess While You are Waiting on a Husband, How to Be a Godly Fiance, How to Be a Godly Wife, How to Pray for your Husband, How to Make Sure your Marriage Bed is Everything God Wants it to Be, How to Be a Godly Parent, How to be a Better Mom, How to Pray for Your Kids....

Seriously.

Almost every book ever recommended to me (as a woman) focuses on my role in someone else's life. Who I am to someone else.

And in all honesty, most of these books are books of the "self-help" persuasion that have been repackaged with a cross on the cover and a few Bible verses and quack science facts sprinkled at the beginning or end of each chapter.

What about who I am to God? Because, I'm pretty sure that if I am digging into His word and listening to His voice and focusing on KINGDOM issues instead of MY issues, that my big 'ol first world white girl issues will fade and my eyes will be opened to seeing what my Father sees.

And right now, I'm pretty turned-off by what I see.

I want my daughters to READ and STUDY the word. I want my family to be like a seminary. I want us to be able to discuss theology and deeper issues than "So, I should kiss dating good-bye, but then kiss it hello again when I find my husband?"

Does this make sense to ANYONE else? I need Jesus...not self-help. Because it is pretty darn transparent that I cannot help this self.

Is anyone else hungry? Hangry even?

Less Words Wednesdays

Happy {Music} Friday

Gungor is a favorite. I hope the words are a balm to your soul today.

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Noonday Giveaway Contest is still open! 

Enter to win  $50 Product Voucher.

{Contest closes 3/08/14 at 10pm MT}

Shopping With Love {Part 2}

Today is my day to write for the 40-Day Noonday Blog Train {Giveaway}.

Here is the rest of my talk on Ethical Consumerism + My giveaway and how you can enter to win.

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On November 24, 2012 a fire broke out at Tazreen Fashions Factory in the garment district of Dhaka, Bangladesh.

On the night of the fire, more than 1,150 people were inside the eight-story building, working overtime shifts to fill orders for various international brands. Fire officials say the blaze broke out in the open-air ground floor, where large mounds of fabric and yarn were illegally stored.

But on some floors, managers ordered the employees to ignore a fire alarm and continue to work. Precious minutes were lost. Then, as smoke and fire spread throughout the building, many workers were trapped, unable to descend the smoke-filled staircases, and they were blocked from escape by iron grilles on many windows. Desperate workers managed to break open some windows and leap to safety on the roof of a building nearby. Others simply jumped from upper floors to the ground. 117 died and 200 were injured. {Thanks, NY Times}

A factory building collapsed in April of 2013 outside Dhaka, killing more than 1,000 workers. That building was constructed with substandard materials and in blatant disregard of building codes. The factory owners again told workers to return to their jobs despite evidence that the building was unsafe,

I highlight these two recent tragedies for one reason:

1100 people have died because WE wanted shirts that cost $10.

Bangladesh has more than 5,000 garment factories, which employ over four million workers, many of them young women. Bangladesh handles orders for nearly all of the world’s top brands and retailers. It has become an export powerhouse largely by delivering lower costs, in part by having the lowest wages in the world for garment workers. Garments constitute about four-fifths of the country’s manufacturing exports, and the industry is expected to grow rapidly. {Thanks Again, NY Times}

Changing the practices of the garment industry will take a mountain of people voting with their dollars to change such an integral part of the global economy.

BUT it has always taken a mountain of people doing what is right at the cost of their own welfare, good, or interests to affect change.

We don’t hear about these tragedies happening in the USA often. That’s because we have labor laws and unions. We’ve had factory fires and tragedies (the Triangle Shirtwaist factory fire of 1911 that killed 123 women and 23 men). These events became a catalyst for labor unions and worker safety legislation. We are very lucky to currently live in an era of our country’s history...where this is not an everyday concern for you or me or our husbands or our children.

What happened as a solution to US public outcry against poor working conditions?

Every problem or bad practiced was simply exported to another developing country. We ended slavery HERE but essentially enslaved thousands of others in their own homelands all in the name of "good business."

These jobs are the only jobs available for so many men and women (and children) and they are only available because there is a demand overseas for inexpensive & fashionable clothing...and because we choose to turn a blind eye to the plight of the oppressed.

And there is a better way.

There is a gospel-centered way.

Buying ethically is not just a social movement. It calls us to be fair and just and mindful and purposeful. It calls us to go without plenty so that others can have something. It calls us to stand up for the oppressed. To shine a light in the darkness.

I wish I could put it in the back of my mind and choose to see it as just a social movement, but Ethical Consumerism is a kingdom movement.

Jeremiah 22:3

This is what the LORD says: Do what is just and right. Rescue from the hand of the oppressor the one who has been robbed. Do no wrong or violence to the foreigner, the fatherless or the widow, and do not shed innocent blood in this place.

                               

Zechariah 7:9

"Thus has the LORD of hosts said, Dispense true justice and practice kindness and compassion each to his brother;

Proverbs 22:22-23

Do not rob the poor because he is poor, Or crush the afflicted at the gate; For the LORD will plead their case And take the life of those who rob them.

Psalms 82:3-4

Vindicate the weak and fatherless; Do justice to the afflicted and destitute. Rescue the weak and needy; Deliver them out of the hand of the wicked.

                       

Luke 11:42

"But woe to you Pharisees! For you pay tithe of mint and rue and every kind of garden herb, and yet disregard justice and the love of God; but these are the things you should have done without neglecting the others.

The bigness and the enormity of social justice issues make them intimidating to us as individuals. I for one do not think that I am an elegant mouth piece for justice and change when I am elbow deep in dirty diapers and temper tantrums. But God has been very clear. He has never turned from the afflicted, the needy, the oppressed.

As a stay-at-home-mom, I feel like I am in a season where my children are my “ministry” and that I indeed will have to WAIT for any other, higher, calling - for these BIGGER things...And so I put these BIGGER things in the back of my mind. I discount them. They are not for me right now.

Proverbs 31:8-9

Open your mouth for the mute, For the rights of all the unfortunate. Open your mouth, judge righteously, And defend the rights of the afflicted and needy.

Isaiah 1:17

learn to do good; seek justice, correct oppression; bring justice to the fatherless, plead the widow’s cause.

I write today to tell you that as Christians {or as people who believe in human dignity and equality} we have a calling to the least of these. That calling is now.  

We cannot physically be on the ground (right now) to rescue a family out of a brick kiln in India; We cannot picket the front lines of a garment factory in Bangladesh; We cannot break into the brothels worldwide and rescue children from their traffickers.

But we can shop. We ALREADY SHOP. We can buy things. We can protest with our dollars and our cents. We can raise our collective voice...as consumers.

I think most of you do what I do. We work the coupon, we save the money, we make the most out of what we have. We make a lot of the decisions when it comes to when and why and how and where purchases for our families happen. That is a lot of power in a global economy when the only voice that matters is that of the dollar.

All of the sudden we can take consumerism that doesn't recognize the gospel nor the love of Jesus Christ...and we can turn it on its head! And we can purchase the things we need for the good of others.

It’s not charity...it’s purchasing with a conscience. It’s purchasing with a purpose. It’s shopping ethically - consciously choosing to do the right thing.

So what does that look like - being an ethical consumer?

1. It means buying less, but spending just as much.That sounds unrealistic, wasteful, and “not worth the trouble.” But in essence what you are committing to doing is trading MORE “okay” stuff for less “I love this!” stuff.

My husband and I have made the decision to no longer buy something JUST because it’s a “good deal.” In saying that I mean that we no longer ‘settle’ on something we don’t love, or that doesn’t fit perfectly simply because it’s cheap.

It means I don’t eat a lot of chocolate. I have changed my life to reflect what I can afford to buy (when I factor in the TOTAL cost of the good).

We can no longer justify buying LOTS of cheap goods on the backs of slaves, rather than supporting another ethically sound business.

It means I live with less - which is incredibly freeing.

2. It means that I do my research and find companies who have ideals and visions that line up with my own (Toms, Warby Parker, Seamly, Noonday Collection) ...and I support them. It means that in doing that same research, I have to walk away from retailers that turn a blind eye to injustice. Which is not a FUN thing...I really like OLD Navy and Target, but I can’t support them.

3. It means (sometimes) I buy second hand. If I am buying my clothes from the local consignment shop or the goodwill - then I am not feeding the companies that turn a blind eye to the complete disregard for human life in their overseas factories. Along these same lines, you can organize clothing swaps among groups of women that you know. Everyone coming together and exchanging gently used clothes for gently used clothes. Costing nothing.  

4. It means that my family and I save money differently. Do you know that millions of people around the world live off $1 a day? Many of these men and women do not have the ability to save money in a way that enables them to get ahead or invest or create businesses. Work is never steady and the money is spent on basic necessities as soon as it is earned. Many men and women have formed saving clubs (a community savings system that pulls community money to benefit one family at a time) or they apply for microloans (traditional loans are next to impossible for many of the impoverished to get). Did you know that you can invest in the LIFE of someone else for as little as a $25, no-interest microloan with a 98% payback rate? $25. That is equivalent to 5 trips to Starbucks...changing someone’s life.

5. It means that I am a mouthpiece. As most of you know. I am an ambassador for Noonday Collection {a company whose vision is to provide men and women paths out of poverty by providing dignified employment in...FASHION}. Noonday Collection works with Artisans around the globe and is CHANGING LIVES. One thing I am good at is being loud. Noonday Collection allows me a platform, to enter into peoples homes and share the stories of the hundreds of lives that are being changed through...work. Not charity. Not ministry...dignified work.

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So, Here is my Giveaway. I want you to go to Noonday Collection and read our Artisan Stories. Fill your soul with stories of redemption and second chances. Post a comment below about your favorite story...and you will be entered to win a $50 Noonday Gift Voucher. 

{Contest will be closed to entries 03/08/2014 @ 10pm MT}

Thanks for Reading & Best of Luck!

Don't forget to check out yesterday's Noonday Giveaway (and Tomorrow's). {wink}

Shopping with Love {Part 1}

Today begins a two-part series on "Ethical Consumerism." Today is a primer, if you will, and a basic introduction to my post tomorrow which is part of the 40-Day Noonday Collection blog train. A bunch of us ambassadors get together every start of a new season to spread the word, share our hearts, and host fun giveaways. {Check out my "Noonday Blog Train" Page for more details}

Anyhow. A few weeks ago, I gave a talk on "Ethical Consumerism" to a group of wonderful ladies from Ft. Collins, CO. It was a blast. Here is part one of that talk.

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I was born to be a shopper. Meaning that I was raised from a young age on a diet of eye-buying, Black Fridays, the day after Christmas, Presidents Day, Valentine’s Day, St. Patrick’s Day. You name it and I was shopping it. My mom could work a store. She would always find the best deal and she taught me and shopping became “our thing.” We shopped a lot. I have way too many childhood memories that take place in stores or malls or bazaars or markets or factory outlets.They are good memories.

And then I got married.

My husband and I lived below the poverty line for a good portion of our first few years of marriage. I did not get to shop a lot. My mom and I would still go shopping (her treat), but it became less of a regular thing and became a “when necessary” thing. When I did venture out to shop, my husband and I only looked at sales or clearance racks ONLY (out of necessity). To buy something at full price seemed really extravagant and wasteful. We might not be able to get something we LOVED, but we were able to get the things that we needed. We were being good stewards of our funds. Only buying what we needed and actively trying to get the best deal.

Then, my husband and I found a new church. It met in a downtown bar on Sunday evenings in Athens, GA. We walked in and they had little coffee carafes waiting on us. We grabbed a cup of coffee and sat down for worship. It was a good service and we found a few couples we knew afterwards and started talking. I distinctly remember one of the elders telling us about how the coffee was fair-trade.

The fair-trade terminology had been around a few years at that point. I knew Starbucks had a few fair trade blends and I knew there were some fair trade shops in town. But I also equated fair trade with EXPENSIVE and kind of useless. It wasn’t until we started regularly attending that church (who admittedly had a social justice vision) that I even knew what fair trade was. I was ignorant.

Fair trade can be defined as:

an organized social movement that aims to help producers in developing countries to make better trading conditions and promote sustainability. It advocates the payment of a higher price to exporters as well as higher social and environmental standards. It focuses in particular on exports from developing countries to developed countries, most notably handicrafts, coffee, cocoa, sugar, tea, bananas, honey, cotton, wine, fresh fruit, chocolate, flowers, and gold

{Thanks, Wikipedia...which is not a valid source, but will do just fine for my purposes today}.

So, what that definition is basically saying is in the fair trade movement we pay a higher price to insure that certain social and environmental standards are being met - whether that is paying a living wage or creating sustainable practices within business.

Looking at it from that definition (which is a good one), at that time in my life I didn’t have access to buy many of these things labeled “fair trade.” Not only that, but these goods are by definition MORE expensive...and not NECESSITIES. So, thinking that it was merely a “social” movement, I just kind of put fair trade in the back of my mind. It was a great thing for other people to do, but it just was not a possibility for me.

But we kept going to our church and having conversations about social justice. We learned about International Justice Mission and began supporting them. and through IJM our eyes were pried open and we had to stare into the injustices of the world - the plight of widows in Uganda, the orphan crisis, the global sex trade, modern day slavery.

But wait! Hey, Lydia. Stop! We were gonna talk about shopping and maybe mani pedis and frilly pretty things.

But this is where shopping gets ugly. It's where shopping got ugly for me.

Because it’s basic economics, right? I mean, businesses want to make the most profit. So, they manufacture a shirt. Which means that there is a cost for making that shirt. Factor in hours of labor, materials, advertising, health insurance, rent,electricity, water, maybe dental (if you’re lucky), and a decent profit margin. We (as the smart and frugal consumer) walk into OLD NAVY and buy that same shirt on clearance for $3.99. And at $3.99 that company is STILL making a profit. And the numbers do not add up.

So you think - Well, clothing factories aren’t in the USA. Most of them are overseas where we can pay less dollars and people can still make a decent living because of currency exchanges and different standards of living, etc. etc.

And here is where I have to stop you and tell you:

That shirt that you bought for $3.99 is really worth $40 and the the difference wasn’t made up by Old Navy’s shareholders taking a cut to their quarterly earnings…

the difference was PAID by somebody having to SACRIFICE their human dignity.

The difference was TAKEN from someone’s worth.

The difference was STOLEN from someone.

And I’m sorry to say, that you and I can never look at that $3.99 shirt the same way again. 

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{Until Tomorrow}

Less Words Wednesday

“Life is short. Never miss an opportunity to perfect your own humanity.  Love is simple.  In fact it is all that we truly have.  It binds us.  It makes us who we are.  It is not the coat that keeps us warm, it is love.  Give what you can.  Do what you must. Be more human.”

Less Words Wednesday

This is one of the Noonday Collection artisans from India. His name is Sham. Noonday's own, Nicole Schumann, wrote a blog post about his life and his love entitled Sham: An Example of True Love. Hop on over and read it.

Leaving Church?

Last week, Donald Miller (a fairly well-known Christian author and speaker) wrote a blog post, as well as a follow-up post which announced that he really doesn't go to church that often...and in fact, he kind of has no intention to change that.

I only became aware of it via a very good response from Geoff Surratt (which I happened upon via a friend sharing it on Facebook). Believe me, people, I don't have a ton of time to read through a gagillion blogs that are written by seemingly wise people...so, I like to read a lot of the stuff that has already been vetted by those I know. I'm lazy.

Anyhow, I was incredibly taken aback by Miller's reasoning and it got me thinking.

I'm not gonna lie...finding a church home is hard and BEING in a church home is hard.

The hubs and I have had our struggles. We've lived in five different states...and it's never been easy to find community. It took us a year after we had been married to find the church that we know consider our "home" church. Did I mention that we had lived in that city separately for 5 years prior to getting married (and had been attending other churches). We lived in Maine for three months and never even tried to find a church. We lived in Portland, OR for two years and started regularly attending a church the first Sunday we were there. We moved to Alabama and spent nine months visiting churches, but never finding the "right fit." We arrived in Wyoming....

Here we have visited several churches on several occasions and even spent a month or two commuting an hour and a half (round-trip) to find a church that we even TRUSTED theologically.  Realizing that such a long commute was really silly and not community focused, we were lucky enough to happen upon our current church...a year after we moved here, but we never gave up on church.

The church we attend is not what we would envision as our "perfect church," but through all of these processes, we have been taught several truths about church and its purposes. Church is not about OUR needs...seriously. We attend a church that has one other young couple; everyone else is enjoying the twilight of life. We sing hymns lead by an organ player who has no sense of time. The fellowship hall looks like a historical site. Seriously.

BUT we have never stopped wanting to be part of a local church.

Here are a few things we have learned:

1) Starbucks can be bought prior to church. I love coffee stations in the foyer of a church. It's a kind of hospitality that resonates with me. Our churches in Athens and PDX did coffee/tea stations and it was nice and homey. However, it's not necessary...and if the focus is on the coffee and not the service, then your focus is wrong. Coffee is hospitality, not a substitute for the Word of God.

2) Smoke machines are unacceptable. If you walk in the door and feel like you are going to a rock concert instead of entering the presence of God - Problem. I think worship (music) is the first impression of most services. The hubs and I would have to confess that we are "snobs." We have played on the worship teams of all the churches we have regularly attended. We pay attention to things like sound and song choice. (Note: Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen is in no way an acceptable worship song). If you walk in to smoke &mirrors and leave with a migraine, someone is looking to be in the spotlight...not in the presence of God.

3) If the church is trying to bring people in with anything other than the gospel, run away (Monty Python Voice). If your church offers a ton of SWAG to visitors or sends out fliers that offer the chance to win an ATV. - what are they really trying to sell? The gospel is enough. No fly-paper antics needed.

4) Beware the fancy church. If your church has just expanded, that is good. Church expansion is wonderful. But look at church finances. When they send out finance reports and have money meetings, pay attention to the bottom line. How much is your church spending on making things pretty and how much do they give away? In all honesty, we American Christians think churches need to be snazzy and all sorts of decked out, but other Christians in the world are DYING of hunger and disease. The two million dollar sound system or even the $300 comfy chair in the vestibule could have made a tangible difference to someone's LIFE.

Our Athens church has a  3-line-budget: pastor's salary, "running" the church, and giving. Giving was nearly 50% of the budget. Knowing that our tithe was serving the orphan, the widow, and the missionary was worth not having a brand new sound system or the flashiest set up.

5) The word of God doesn't need help. The word of God is powerful. So, if you find yourself watching twenty minute clips of Bill Cosby's stand-up routine OR the entirety of Kansas's "Dust in the Wind" music video on a big screen, something has gone terribly awry. If the teacher begins throwing candy from the stage, duck. If the scripture verse comes fives minutes before the close and is more of a footnote than the actual MEAT of the sermon, walk out. Theologically sound teaching is a must and should take precedent over number of programs, services, coffee selection, childcare, etc.

It would be great if church were about meeting MY needs. But, it's not. Church is for shared worship, fellowship, community, family, outreach to those in need, and teaching. It's not about programs, childcare, "good" worship music, flashy PowerPoints, or well-decorated surroundings.

If you enter a church and you are "auditioning" ANYTHING but the theological soundness of the teaching and the church's role in community, you're church shopping. Church shopping focuses on you (the individual consumer) and what the church can do for you. But being believers in Christ, the church body has always been other-serving...and not so much self-serving.

Church is about being around other believers...warts and all. Church is about being God's hands and feet to those in the community who are in spiritual and physical need. Church is not about you...it's about HIM.

Conviction.

⁸ Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. ⁹ What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you. (Phillipians 4:8-9; ESV)

This past week has been really rough. There was a lot going on. I have struggled in a certain "relationship." This whole middle-school-type drama has been playing out for past few weeks. I like peace and resolve. I like to pursue it, but not at the cost of my honesty or integrity. I'm not going to lie to make someone feel all-rosy and holy. So, I have spent several days thinking on how any of it could be improved. But it can't. I reached out. I was bitten. I was honest. I was called a liar. I tried.

Then Saturday night, I received word that my sweet cousin, Roy, had passed. He had been battling an incredibly aggressive metastatic melanoma for the past several months. I hadn't been able to get a hold of him this last week. I confess, I tried a few times, but I spent more time thinking on this rather bleak (and in the end meaningless) social tension.  As I have had time to think, I have been convicted.

I am spending more time thinking on someone with whom I have no actual relationship than I am on the people that I love and hold close to my heart.

I normally don't mince words, nor do I waste my time.

I have wasted my time on trying to make a really ridiculous social situation "better"...when (in all honesty), this "thing" means nothing to me in comparison to what Roy meant. And I spent more energy trying to make life palatable to them, than I did trying to connect with one of the sweetest guys that has every walked this planet (this past week).

So, I'm walking away from things unworthy. I am going to think on things and spend my life & time & attention on those things worthy of praise.

Roy's beautiful life. Worthy of praise. His love for his son. worthy of praise. His return home. Worthy of Praise.

A Whisper

I'm deep in the trenches of life currently...well, not life, but motherhood. I lose my patience often and it is not something that I am proud of. I am elbow deep in poo and vomit and dirty dishes and laundry...and most days end with me putting my babes to bed and happily enjoying the peace and quiet of the day's first "stillness" and being alone.

I am a selfish and wicked woman.

My cousin was diagnosed with stage 4 melanoma. In the short span of a few months, it has manifested as 3 very ugly tumors in his brain. Two of those tumors are in his frontal lobe and are inoperable. I am a selfish and wicked woman.

Here is what I can tell you about my cousin. His name. I know it. I know that he is 5 years younger than I am. The last time I saw him and hugged his neck was when we were teenagers. It was my sister's wedding. I loved the way that it was so easy to talk to him. He was hilarious and had an awesome Michigan accent. We sang together a lot that weekend. I always thought there would be more time.

Our parents weren't close and that meant that visits didn't happen. I went to college and found my life too busy to be bothered with silly correspondence to family. I'm a selfish and wicked woman.

My cousin became a devoted dad during that time. Things with the mom didn't work out, but he stuck around. He loves his boy - his whole world.

We reconnected on facebook. He has a massive beard and a beautiful smile. He's kind of a nature loving guy and has great taste in music. He always seems up to helping others and hanging out. He lives for his kid. He seems to practice true hospitality - in that he invites folks into his life as it is.

He's dying.

This life is a whisper. It's a quick, beautiful whisper. If we're lucky, it's this sort of wonderful whisper. You hear it drawn out, slowly, right into your ear - "I love you." But, I think for a lot of people it can be the harried "I..." that never gets to finish.

Life is a whisper. Make sure to live every moment of it. Pursue relationships with loved ones. Listen to music. Have dance parties with your kids and forget about the dishes. Relish their squishy soft skin and BE PRESENT. Don't seek after tomorrow or "when" - because we are not promised more time. We are given the moment. The right now.

A life less DRAMA

The title pretty much says it all.

The past few weeks, I have been struggling with an idea and sadly, this idea has become a theme of most conversations, thoughts, blog posts, books, etc. about motherhood (even those from a Christian perspective). I find this incredibly disheartening. Not because it is being said, but because it needs to be said.

Let me explain.

Young mothers are by far the harshest critics of other young mothers. Please, let me finish. I am not saying that we as women are built to be mean and caddy. I really do believe that we are built to live in community and support one another. However, that has somehow along the way been forgotten.  We see the height of girls being mean in middle school and high school (In my opinion). It's a sort of "kill or be killed" mentality and it can take over certain groups of adolescent girls. I have no idea why. I have just seen it happen. Firsthand, as a really awkward, chubby girl and then again as a really awkward and chubby middle-school teacher.

I really thought that phase in my life was over. And frankly, as someone who is a bit of a "feeler," I was looking forward to the complete and total lack of made-up drama in my life. And I have had that perfect lack for a very blessed 8+ years.

Then, I became a mother and started participating in a group of other young moms. I found some friends. I'm friendly; I like to chat. I met some new ladies who are incredibly gifted and have strengths in many areas that I do not. I became more and more involved in this groups, really wanting to give back. Then, it began. Underhanded comments about others. Small judgements. I noticed the women around me slowly pluck at the women around us...as though "eating" the weak. Then I noticed it within my group friends. Comments, words, thoughts, pluck, pluck, pluck.

 I even found myself thinking such things and in that moment having to say, "I don't know what I'm talking about." I have no clue what is going on in the secret lives of the women around me. Absent husbands, financial strains, depression...

Who are WE to judge ANYBODY. Who am I to judge ANYBODY.

We are all here on earth and we are called (by JESUS) to LOVE ONE ANOTHER. LOVE ONE ANOTHER. FULL STOP. That means that even if you think that person is wrong or a wuss or being overly-dramatic or they have hurt you. You and I are called to love.

 Just check out what Annie F. Downs has to say about it in her book, Speak Love. And full disclosure. I know Annie. She is awesome. She's a college friend and an incredibly gifted writer. I love her insight.

So, let's speak love today. How about in the comments section, you leave the kind of encouragement that you need to hear today. Maybe someone else needs to hear it today too.

Bad Jesus

Tonight I put my oldest to bed rather quickly. We sung our songs and prayed our prayers and kissed our kisses, but I just wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible.

See, I've been on single-momma duty for the past few days (hubs is traveling for work) and this afternoon my throat began this strange tickle that morphed into what feels like full-blown strep. I say these things to set the stage and provide the context that I'm not 100% on my "mom" game. By this evening, I was admittedly phoning it in.

So, when after about 10 minutes of solitude, I began to hear the ominous and repeated opening and shutting of a particular door, I was in no mood to be met with the sweet smile of a girl who lied straight to my face informed me that she needed to go potty.

So. I breathed heavy and even did a bit of grumbling while getting her onto the potty. I might have been unkind in my response when she picked poo out of her undies and held it up to my face to demonstrate that she had had an accident. I most definitely shushed her when she started singing at the top of her lungs (as she often does) while sitting on the potty....serenading her bowels to move. So, in response...my sensitive, but highly intelligent daughter resorted to story-telling.

"Once upon a time, I was sitting on the potty nice and still and mommy was yelling at me. The End."

Yep. And there you have it folks. I am a bad Jesus.

See, God calls us to be His hands and feet. We should also be Jesus to those around us. Ministering. Loving. Teaching. Healing.  Jesus ministered to the dirty, the faithless, the wicked, the impure...I mean, he ministered to the demon-possessed. And while I'm sure his truth felt like a piercing sword to the soul...I'm pretty sure those He healed didn't run off singing, "I was pretty messed up and gross and Jesus yelled at me. The End." Not at all. They praised and told of His miraculous works.

At this point in my life motherhood (my children) is my ministry. They are who I am supposed to be Jesus too the MOST...logistically, I'm just with them more than anyone else. And this should be so EASY.

I birthed them. I know them. They are part of me. They are innocent. They are most of the time clean and have this delicious smell...

So, why do I fail so often?

I get impatient with their failures or lack of comprehension. I really don't like being near their messiness...sticky hands, poo bottoms, snot noses. I take it personally when they lie or disobey. I want to be alone. I don't want to be sought or touched or held or talked to. Sometimes the fact that my oldest thinks life is a musical can grate on the nerves. I want to runaway in the hard moments. Oh, thank God that I am not their Jesus.

See, I will show my daughters glimpses of Jesus, but the fact of the matter is that all I can offer them is my unconditional love. I can hold them in my own broken arms. I can look into their faces and lives and see me - my struggles, my sins. But mostly, I stand next to my daughters and tell them...Yes, Momma really needs Jesus too. We all need a Savior.

Thank God that I am not Him.   

Because Jesus looks through the failures, He comes close to the mess. Our disobedience and sin  break His heart, but he still let's us seek Him and find Him and talk to Him and praise Him. He never runs away in the hard moments.

Oh, Thank you God for my Jesus and help me to be more like Him.