I don't know how it feels...

I was on the phone with my sister this morning - as I am most mornings while driving to school. She was asking me how I was doing...and I explained how I was feeling. This is when my sister said something that I had never thought of before. She said, "I just don't know how it feels."

So, how does it feel to lose a baby that you've tried really hard for and never met...it feels bad. I wish I could be more poetic, but it's seriously stinks. It's not fun. It hurts and it's hard.

But back to the question...how does it feel?

You sit. You just stay still and try not to move a muscle. You give a faint smile to your hubs and just wait for a heartbeat...knowing you're not going to hear one. You try to put everyone around you at ease - knowing they know and are somehow now incredibly awkward and not as talkative as before.

You question.My first response was, "God, I paid attention last time. I thought I got it. I thought I learned everything you needed me to learn from this." Enter my awesome husband who responded, "Lyd, I think He's teaching me something this time."

You get slightly angry and bitter and yes, envious. You wonder "why me?" Then you realize that you wouldn't wish this on anyone else."

You cry. You cry. You cry.

You reflect and try to figure out what you did wrong THIS time.

You wait for the baby to come - praying it will come on its own. Praying for the opportunity to say "Hello. I love you. Good-bye."

You plan...for the next baby. You plan for the future. You plan on God's goodness.

You praise God.


  1. Anonymous3:15 PM

    Although I've never experienced the misscarriage aspect, I have thought so many times "haven't I learned what I am supposed to yet? How much more do I need to learn before I can experience the joys that so many people experience without even hardly trying." It's especially is hard when you hear about women who abuse or even ruthlessly kill their babys. I just don't understand how God can give them kids when He knows what they are going to do to them...But I guess that is what makes Him God...we just don't understand everything.
    Love you so much and am praying for you!
    Your cousin, Brenda

  2. I love you, Sweet Cousin and I am praying for you too. I know that what you are goig through is difficult. All I can say is that I pray and wait in hopeful expectation for that wonderful day when you will hold your child.