When it all seems...a bit hopeless

I'm not one to despair easily. In fact, I would often times call myself an optimist. I usually think the best of people, I think all things are possible, and I definitely find the motto, "it's worth a shot," coming out of my mouth often.

There are two sides to the optimist coin. The first is faith. I've always had a lot of faith. In many things, I don't worry. I trust...until I do (worry) and I don't (trust). That's the other side of the coin.

I guess that's the same two sides of every coin ever, but there you have it.

I trust in the early stages of a problem or journey. I trust in the middle. I even trust as we near the middle that (in my opinion) SHOULD be the end, but when said journey fails to end when/how I envision, I get a little freaked out.

For example, I have never been worried about food or money. What an incredible blessing is that? Even as I write this I'm thinking, "Man, I'm a spoiled brat." And indeed, I am. I have it way better than so many of God's people on this earth.

So, what am I worried about. A house. A house never selling. A house not getting a renter. "Losing" money. And I don't know if it is so much distrusting or more ("Why did we even buy THAT house?!"). Or maybe it's comparing our plight to others' lives ("We are SOOO much better with money than they are and have been SOOO careful and have done EVERYTHING right!" - obviously, except pick a house that would re-sell). Or maybe it's just envy (could be). Or Pride (Ah, there it is).  

I do not doubt God taking care of us. I doubt the decisions that end up being stupid and the pride that may have got me there and the pride that thinks I am deserving of an "easy" out instead of a hard and valuable lesson. Ugh.

And there you have it. My ugly heart. May God continue to instruct it and change it. 

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