This Woman's Life

Warning: The following post is incredibly honest, blunt, and I definitely hint at strong language. I don't use said language often, but feel like it is appropriate in an honest depiction of this part of my life.

Most people don't know this about me, but most days I want to kill myself.

I've thought about it a lot actually. More so, now that I am a mom - which seems totally messed up, but them's the breaks...so to speak.

Looking back on my life (hind sight is always so smug and self-satisfied in being 20/20) it is really easy to see cyclical depression - times of manic ups and really low lows; times of really inexplicable behavior and times of normalcy; times of self-harm and times of legitimate health.

I always look back on my life with regret - because none of these times of very scary un-health can be taken back and I and those around me, as well as relationships will remain forever marked. And while most people learn from the their mistakes, again, cyclical depression is just as it sounds and even when UP, I know the down is not far off and I have not yet learned how to keep it at bay.

I've come to think that all of this is really just the result of me somehow "missing out" on "my very special calling" or my life simply not being "fulfilling" enough.

And then I look myself in the mirror and say "Bull-$%#!"

I do think that I have cyclical depression (a very mild case, I might add) and I do look back on my life and see some CRAZY behavior - most of which can be traced directly back to an endocrinologist trying to play GOD and treat "infertility" with antidepressants and steroids, but most of the time...I seriously think that I suffer from a severe case of "Get over your self and quit your whining, you spoiled little brat." I don't think I am the only one either.

This very insightful & HILARIOUS article posted by Huffington Post circulated most social media sites a while back. I gotta say, I put off actually reading it until this morning. One, because I do not consider myself a "yuppy" and two, I've got two toddlers and I'd rather mindlessly surf Facebook and sip my coffee while it's hot.

If you take the time to read this article it essentially says that lots of people my age suffer from this affliction of what is essentially very real depression caused by us all viewing our reality through this fantastic lie that we were all told as children. We are special. We can do anything we want. Our careers should be fulfilling.

Well, enter the Great Recession...and the fact that the above statements are incredibly flawed and you get a bunch of young folks who were raised fairly well-off, haven't had to work too hard for much of anything, and believe (against all reason and well, reality) that they are the most specialist, most wonderful, cotton-candy-colored-rainbow of a human being to have every walked this lovely planet.

The disillusionment abounds.

Sometimes, life just stinks.

You work hard for very little, you don't get ahead, you're not considered special in any way...

Sadly, I think we should all be fairly well-equipped to handle real life and yet a lot of us aren't. We look at the "lives" created by Facebook of all of our friends and suddenly find we are wanting, discontented, needy, sad-bastards all around. I'm not going to lie, sometimes after reading Facebook updates, I am tempted to sing along to a lot of Tom Waits while drinking hard liquor and crying in the shower.

So, how do we fix it?

We grow up. We realize that we do have a purpose, but that we are not any more special than any other human being. We remind ourselves that life is not a game to be won, but a journey to be lived. We hope that "one day we will look back and laugh," but acknowledge that THAT day may be late or never come. We take the time to know who we are and LIKE that person.

We. Move. On.

Keep Going.

Persevere.

All that other stuff that we heard as children, but tuned-out while day dreaming about our super, awesome, special, unicorn-rainbow McMansions.