Why I am the worst...

To talk to when it comes to miscarriage.

This is gonna be heavy. As a warning, many people responded positively to this article. I did not. I have my updates to further clarify my position in red.


This is my reaction to an article that has been floating along the inter-tubes. It talks of WHY someone who calls themselves "Pro-Life" should view miscarriage with the same gravity and mourning as they would abortion. It offers a few examples of how pro-lifers tend to send mixed messages about the worth of life in these two very different losses.

Specifically, that when babies are aborted people tend to count the loss as "greater" than that of a baby who has been lost via miscarriage. The evidence that she gives is that people she knows said "unfeeling" or "stupid" things after her miscarriage. From here she really does take GIANT LEAPS in assuming the general opinion of all pro-lifers when faced with miscarriage. Perhaps, she is writing a very pointed blog post to specific people who have hurt her. This is dangerous...because in essence her article berates an entire advocacy group.

Let's get a few things out there before I dive into this subject.  I have had two miscarriages. They occurred within months of one another. I actually miscarried our second pregnancy on the due date of our first...which I miscarried days before my birthday. Miscarriage is a reality in our family.

I miscarried our first baby in full knowledge of our social circle - surrounded by friends and family. I miscarried my second babies completely isolated from friends and family, thousands of miles away - no one knew we were pregnant to begin with, so sharing the loss with those we love was even more painful.

People said stupid stuff. Because people are people and most of the time people are trying, but in the end are ill-equipped to say things that are not stupid. If you are looking for comfort from people, you will always be disappointed. Always. If you are looking for people to say wise things and understand how it feels, then you are setting yourself up to be offended and hurt. Because no one knows how YOU feel and very rarely can they say the "right" thing.

One person saying the wrong thing doesn't give the author the right to imply that all pro-lifers do not value the lives of miscarried babies as much as aborted babies. 

To note the obvious (again), most pro-lifers aren't saying that miscarried babies don't matter or that they matter less. A pro-lifer's very existence, however, is to fight against abortion and to stand up for aborted babies. That's kind of their thing.

Pro-lifers have talking points and statistics and a knowledge base to work with when it comes to talking about abortion. The general response when a baby is lost via miscarriage is (if we're honest) "That Sucks." We don't have talking points on miscarriage and therefore, unless having gone through it, the general populace has no source of information or understanding to pull comforting one-liners from.

I'm gonna go ahead and put this out there:

Abortion is more tragic than miscarriage. I'm fairly sure the original author would agree with me.

Namely, because if you are pro-life, you view abortion as a mother CHOOSING TO KILL her child. That is tragic. And if you think it is less tragic than miscarriage...then, I am sorry, you are wrong.

Child-sacrifice...to the god of  self and convenience is pretty much on ALL levels harder to swallow than miscarriage. The injustice of abortion leads many (including myself) to mourn murdered babies MORE...

Miscarriage isn't a cake walk. Please, do not misunderstand me. It's not easy. But there is a comfort in knowing that my babies passed away, were mourned, were wanted, and that yes, were NEVER going to be born. I am comforted knowing that they were loved, cared for, and fought for.

I didn't choose to abort a healthy fetus. I miscarried a baby...and God knew it was going to happen before I even came into being. I find comfort in that.

I'm not saying my babies' lives matter less...I'm saying they LIVED the life that God had laid out for them and that it was not brought to a premature end and that their lives were full of LOVE. Devil's Advocate could argue the same point for aborted babies and that could lead to an interesting discussion, but that's not my motive here today.

My motive in writing is to say:

Dear Momma's Who Have Never Gotten to See Your Babies,
It's okay for you to mourn. It is okay for you to grieve. You will never meet your babies in this realm and there is a sadness to that. Your loss (that of someone you loved and lost) should never be compared to the mass murdering of millions of babies every year. Never. Not by others and not by YOU. If you feel a need to do that, then you need to get over your bitterness. You are still struggling with some very strong (and misdirected) emotions if you feel the need to berate others who stand up as a voice for murdered babies. I'm sorry that miscarriage doesn't get more "air time" or "coverage" in the pro-life world, but there is a reason. One is natural loss and the other is murder. There is a difference and the latter is infinitely more tragic.


  1. Thank you for bringing another view that gives some balance to the discussion. After reading the mentioned blog, I felt guilty for viewing my babies as I did (and I embraced the author's point). Your post is well put and probably a more reasonable response to my original thinking about my own miscarriages. Thanks.

  2. I think that it's really natural to want to place blame and be angry and target others when they tick you off. I have totally been there. I'm glad I had time to process and a few wonderful people to help me gain perspective. Best to you, ML.

  3. Interesting take on my blog. I know you don't know me, so you don't
    Know that I'm actually not bitter. My point is that in my circle, my experience, the people that were claiming to be pro-life were inconsistent. That bothers me on a big level. I have written very thoroughly through my journey, and saw an discrepancy I wanted to point out. This blog was not comparing the tragedy of one loss vs another. It is a call to be consistent. It was a call to people close to me, who already followed my blog. I had no idea it would get world attention, but based on how many comments I received, I would say that many people also felt this disconnect, and so it was worth putting out there. Just my (additional) two cents.

  4. Hey Rachel,
    Thanks for responding. You are 100% correct that I do not know you or your journey, but I feel that you are wrong in calling for "consistency" among pro-lifers.

    Any life is just as valuable as another, but the way in which a life ends cannot be discounted. People simply do not react to a murder in the same way as they do a natural death. Your asking for consistency among apples and oranges.

    I totally agree with you that people say really thoughtless and hurtful things as reactions to miscarriage. The Pro-Life Movement is educated on and has talking points against abortion. Sadly, most folks around us don't have talking points for miscarriage. Most people don't want to deal with it or handle it or even acknowledge that it happens. It is too painful. The end result is what has happened to you (and so many other mommas out there). Thanks for bringing attention to "Things Not To Say To Your Friend Who Just Miscarried."

    I don't feel that poor reactions to miscarriage are isolated to those who are pro-life. Did your pro-choice friends handle it more gently? Mine didn't. Poor reactions are more symptomatic of being human, not being "Pro-Life."

    I'm so sorry that those around you said really crappy things...I've been there.