What I Wouldn't Give

Life is full of regrets. Here are some of mine.

What I wouldn't give...

to run hand in hand with my sister again - down Rattlesnake Hill to our imaginary circus, Paradise, or Lake Little - on a quest to experience life to the fullest.

to play Barbies with my mom again, but this time knowing just how much it meant to her.

to sit at my father's side while he was building anything. Not thinking of it as work - but looking at it as an opportunity to gain knowledge from his wisdom - to learn his trade.

to actually spend time with my grandparents - to have my grandmother teach me how to crochet, to have my grandfather quote scripture to me, to learn mamaw's secret to making chocolate gravy.

to apologize to those I've hurt and those I have blamed for my bad decisions.

to be held in my dad's arms again - flying.

to have my mom curl my hair and dress me like a doll.

to sock skate with my sister and my cousins to old 8-tracks.

to take back every mean thing I've said to my mom, my dad, my sister, and my husband....I am so sorry.

Book Me!

First things First...apologies all around for the belated post. Yes, yes, I know you were all on the edge of your seats. I too have suffered the severest of disappointments at the absence of a daily post from my most beloved blog authors. My sincerest regrets - as I have been chiefly occupied with a crazy schedule consisting mainly of teaching, running, eating, and brief bouts of sleep.

I recently, however, found time for a few things I love: books mainly.I've been reading a few good ones.

First, I took interest in an etiquette book written for young adults in 1937, Behave Yourself!, after reading one of my friends favorite quotes that she had shared on facebook. Now, I have no idea if the quoted she chose was shared in jest or as a serious recommendation of the book, but my curiosity took the better of me. It was an easy read, full of helpful information and I must say that I am shocked to know (a) how uncouth I am and (b) how so much in the realm of etiquette has changed in the last 70+ years.

I personally, have decided to somehow find and purchase a copy in the interest of my children, who I one day hope will exemplify (among many other things) correct grammar and old-fashioned good social graces.

On recommendation of my new endocrinologist, I have also taken to reading French Women Don't Get Fat. What I thought to be another fad dieting book, is actually more of a how-to-live life enjoying life - savoring all that God has to offer. Disclaimer: I added the spiritual reference to God. However, the book speaks to the heart of things: eating quality and not focusing so much on quantity; staying away from foods whose names resemble those of chemical weaponry; indulging, but realizing that the nature of an indulgence means that it does not happen regularly.

I'm still working on Emma by Jane Austen. It's far from my first read of this book - but this particular read through has been slow-going. But, I am pressing on.

Lastly, I'm reading a book about starting your own home-based craft business - as it is an opportunity I am looking into. Exciting times.

Results

Thanks all for the wonderful comments/compliments in response to my self-confidence inventory.

I know that some may look at this "inventory" and think that I'm putting stock in what others think about me...instead of my finding my identity in God. I just want to reassure you that this is not the case. In Him, I find myself. Through the world, my vision of my "self" has been skewed. Through wise counsel and edification, I can begin to see myself more clearly - as God intended.

That being said...now what?

I must say, that nothing said was "news" to me. Your words were used as a confirmation of long lost callings and an identity that I rejected long ago.

When I was a child, I was wild. Not in a chronically misbehaving sense (note: chronically), but in the sense of being untamed, uncensored, raw, and feeling. As I grew up in the world - that self became more hidden, subdued, oppressed. I found ways to being mediocre, blending into the scenery. There are two pictures that come to mind that seem to make this "Lydia" tangible and real.

The first was taken while on a family trip to CA. We had spent hours in the car, my sister and I were bored, and my mother had purchased these amazing straw sun hats for herself. We played dress up. My mom (or maybe my sister) captured a moment that so very clearly captured me in all my young glory. Hat cocked to the side, model pose, confident in who I was, in my place in my family, and yes, in God's love for me.

The second was taken in the sixth grade. It was my school picture. Most people who see this picture think it was taken in the second or third grade. I have my hair pulled back (very tidily) and on my face sit these huge glasses. I have a very sweet smile - but my vivacity had obviously faded. I was a wallflower and I had worked my butt off to become one.

In my life I have ridden this pendulum of identity - sometimes being ridiculous and sometimes being painfully introverted. Swinging between two extremes, I long forgot the more "balanced" self I was as a child. I was introverted and thoughtful - but completely vibrant all together - like a nice work of art.

This being said, I'm taking back my identity - the one whose essence most of you have managed to capture in a few words. I'm reclaiming it - and with God's bringing it into balance.

Self-Confidence...an inventory and overhaul

Perhaps some of you have heard of New Zealand's 4th most popular folk parody duo, The Flight of the Conchords. If you haven't, no worries - they are not terribly relevant in this upcoming post, but beware, you are missing out.

In one of their numbers entitled, "The Hiphopopotamus vs. The Rhymenoceros," the two musicians play off one another in a well orchestrated and hilarious gangster rap battle. A line from this memorable musical snack is , "Sometimes when I freestyle, I lose confidence." This too true observation of human behavior made me think.

My life is pretty much me - freestyling. Seriously, I know of no real plan. I have goals, beliefs, and ideas of what I think my life should look like - but I'm really just doing and saying whatever comes into my head...and hoping that I am somehow getting it right.

I must confess, that sometimes when I freestyle - I lose confidence.

Many of you have read another blog authored by myself - Everyday Eating Disorder. It chronicles my journey as I confront my inner struggles with health, food, and destructive mindsets. Well, recent happenings have begun to make me question how confident and self-assured I really am. I think to a lot of people I might appear "confident" or "self-assured" or even "comfortable." At times, I totally am - at other times - it's a war that rages within my mind - and too many times I have lost.

I want to improve my self-confidence. But, how does one really go about doing this? Well, I googled it. Yep. I know. But, hey, I needed practical steps. One of the steps suggested was to have friends and family, etc. write lists of things they loved about you - or things they thought you did well.

So, here's your challenge.

I humbly ask you to leave a comment if you are reading this. Tell me 1 thing or 10 things or however many things you think I do well.

I'll try to keep you all posted as I prayerfully enter into this journey. It's definitely one that is humbling and long over due.

Thank you for reading.