Inspiration

Not much inspires me lately, save anger. I have found that anger is an emotion that I connect with most willingly and on a regular basis. Sadly, I've recognized this fact for sometime...and knowing that if I have committed anger in my heart, I have then committed murder - It's a constant struggle with huge ramifications.

For sometime I have been looking into why I am constantly angry. No, seriously people, it's a lifestyle. I wake up angry at the world, I go to bed angry at the world - and on days when I actually try to be normal and joyful, I soon become disheartened by the overwhelming guilt of how angry I have allowed myself to be in the past. If that's my rep. - why try changing?

I have decided the following:

1. I am unsatisfied with my life and this would most certainly cause one to be angry.

Let's explore this further.

I recently took a job inventory which informed me that I am on the verge of "burn-out."
I'm married to a second year law student (not his fault), but I'm lonely.
I often will find myself watching television or movies or aimlessly searching the internet in the hopes of getting lost in other peoples stories - which are more fulfilling or entertaining than mine. I feel unfulfilled and robot-like. Yes, I'm using my 8 years of education - but in no way does my day to day life involve me actually being me or using original thought or imagination (unless it is me dreaming a way out of this life).

How do you fix it?

God.

I think that I have done a lot of things in my past....things I chose - God, would have had better for me. I think I'm currently suffering the consequences of those decisions. Never reject God's best...or follow the "logical" plan. I'm just now finally getting to the point of looking at my desires and how those are God given and I need to pay heed and not follow man's way. I can't imagine how happy I would be if I had not taken this huge detour.

When did kids stop thinking

Look at your script. Find a sentence that is not grammatically correct and then, go write that sentence on the board.

These are fairly straight forward instructions, right? So, why am I barraged with questions immediately after the words have left my mouth. When did children stop learning how to think or worse yet, understand.

Daily, I am amazed at the lack of understanding a child shows. They continually have to be hand-held and led through the simplest instructions - like, "Get out a sheet of paper" or "Please, use a pencil." It's become rather ridiculous.

I can't remember myself being like this as a child and I find myself wondering what or why I was so different when I was their age.

And then I realize it. These children have been lead through everything. They have never been given the opportunity to work something out for themselves. They have had everything handed to them...and that includes thinking. This is how you think. Here are the step by step instructions. And unfortunately, this had led to a generation of children who cannot think or fathom the creation of their own journey, but can be easily led along someone else's.

Fat Land

Fat Land: How Americans Became the Fattest People in the World by Greg Critser is a pretty eye-opening book. I picked it up from the local library after reading a friend's review and have already been fairly pleased.

I'm only85 pages into it, but I must say that I'm impressed with its full (no pun intended) account of how America came to be the most obese nation in the world. It has already addressed how politics, economy, big business, education, and even (organized) religion have collectively fed the problem.

As a Christian - I was convicted. Dead serious. Convicted.

....it feels good to be a gangsta

It's Friday, people and I must admit, I am super psyched. Understand, the week has been hard. But, there have been shining moments in my days that have been like photo captures on a hallmark card.

While reading the previous post, I realized it is super negative- so here are five bright moments from my week:

1) I had my children run to objects in our classroom as I said their Spanish equivalent. At one moment 15 students piled onto an old, beat-up sofa. They were giggling and smiling and it was perfect.

2) One of my Cross Country girls won her race - meaning she was the first girl to finish. She has been working hard all season...and it was about time. She was glowing and I was so proud. You know it's one of those moments that is helping to give her confidence and a piece of her identity.

3) I ate a pasta dinner and a chocolate dessert and I didn't feel guilty about it. Granted, I had thoughts like: I'm eating a lot of carbs - but, I ate them, I appreciated my meal, and I moved on.

4) I shared sweet moments with good friends at our house fellowship. Thanks James, Lyndie, and Lewis.

5) I shared a meal with folks I work with and walked away feeling like I had a better understanding of who they were and where they were coming from. I hope they did the same.

Nothing but a J - O - B.

When does a vocation stop being a vocation and start being a j - o - b. You know, you started your job bright eyed and bushy tailed and ready to make a difference. So what if you are the only one in your particular office that makes less than 30K a year - that's not important. Yeah sure, your colleagues are going to act like their all your bosses - you're new aren't you? Yeah, the kids seem kind of snobby - they just need a little reality and love.

Then, something happens. Your surroundings quickly fade to gray and you realize that you're an outsider. You notice the children, parents, and coworkers all judging you for how much you make, where you live, and yes...what you wear. Everything about your life is on trial - your beliefs, your education, your typos, your church. You start realizing that the children are beyond reality and love and what they need is a kick and the pants and possibly a cutting remark.

I'm so ready for the weekend.

Shoes

I've spent the majority of my life thinking to myself, "I love these shoes. They are so cute, but I would never wear them enough to justify them. I mean, who walks in these all day."

Well, let me tell you about a little experiment I am conducting in my life right now - among others.

It's called: Operation Wear Everything in My Closet as Least Once this Year.

Laugh, if you will. But I have a lot of stuff that I paid (or my mom paid) good money for which simply isn't worn. This is true because (1) I am extremely guilty of being adventurous in my buying an outfit, but am not so adventurous in the actual wearing of said outfit and (2) I like comfort...a lot.

So, this school year I bought pants that were too long for me...on purpose. This way, I have to wear my cute little high heels that improve my posture and make me look stunning (kind of - when I'm not tripping or ripping them off my feet). I've also worn several outfits (to you mom) that yes, after a year or more of owning them have never had the tags removed (Eeeek).

I don't know if I'm suddenly getting a wee bit more "girly," nay i say "fashionable" or if I'm really just so thrifty that I will put all physical and mental comfort aside in order to get my use out of something.

It hasn't gone unnoticed either. Here are a few comments I have received:

Question: Teacher, do those shoes you wear hurt? ~Little Girl Student
Answer I gave her: No.
Real Answer: Yes, little girl, they hurt. Every bone in my body is jarred and out of place right now - but dangit, I look two inches taller and my new pants aren't dragging on the ground!)

Question: Is that a new shirt? ~Dear husband
Answer I gave him: No, I've had it for a while.
Real Anwer: No, I've had it for a while....but, is this the first time you are seeing it on my person - yes, yes it is.

Question: Teacher, I've never seen this outfit before! Did you go shopping this summer? ~Little girl student #2
Answer I gave her: I've had it for awhile - but, I don't think you've seen me wear it.
Real Answer: Yes, I know I look good and much better than I did last year - but this is honestly this first year of teaching where I'm getting a full 8 hours of sleep each night and not waking up envying the garbage man. So, yes, I probably look a little different...and no, I didn't go shopping.

Hope you have enjoyed.