"Don't bring me bad news, no bad news, I don't need none of your bad news today.
You're a sad little boy - anyone can see, you're just a sad little boy - that's why your carrying on that way. Why don't you burn it all down, burn your own house down, burn your own house down, try to cure your own disease. And leave the rest of us, there's a lot of us, leave the rest of us who want to live in peace, to live in peace."
These past few weeks, a very good friend of mine had entered a photography contest. The prize being an ipod nano. She took a really cute picture of herself "longing for an ipod nano." I was in the picture and was very proud of my friends beautiful shot. I was thrilled when it made the final three and came down to a vote-off.
We had so much fun with the contest...we were telling to people to go to the blog and vote....I even got all my students to vote. It was exciting.
Until last night.
Last night was the last night of voting...and people got really ugly. One person stated that My friend's picture was nothing but "3 fat girls and was not appealing to look at." Then folks went kind of crazy...including me. People say things on a comment board that they would never say in person. Case in point, me - last night.
I'm recovering from an eating disorder. I have good days and bad days. Yesterday was a good day. And I got angry...and I mean, ANGRY...almost a kind of righteous indignation...because in my head I knew I was a normal weight...some would say thin. But, when I read that comment, I looked back at the picture and heard, "You do look kind of chubby...you'll never be thin enough...but, you could come back to me and show them all how thin you can get...show them how disciplined you are...come back to me...I will make you beautiful and no one will ever hurt you again."
Maybe no one realizes how hard I have fought for my current mindset. Maybe no one will ever understand the battle I have fought, the battle I continue to fight daily....but I will be damned before I let anyone come in and steal my victory. Last night...for the first time in a long time, I stood up for myself and I told some folks exactly what they could do with their ipod nano.
The above quote is what I have to say (more eloquently) to anyone who comes against me....It's by Patty Griffin and it always makes me feel better (I've been singing it in my head).
To my enemy: God has brought me from the depths - you and your words have no power over me. So stop wasting your time and get behind me - I have a battle to win.
11.15.2007
11.06.2007
Congratulations are in Order!
Well, we have had quite a few goings-on in our house as of late.
1) My husband's grandfather turned 92 on Sunday - HOLY COW!
2) My husband, the law student, was offered a summer internship in Lewiston-Auburn, Maine. He will be spending 12 weeks there during this summer. We are pretty excited, as now we can say that "We summer in Maine" - which makes us sound more important than we are.
3) My sister, an amazing writer, recently won the Mt.Hermon Christian Writer's Retreat Scholarship. Congratualtions, Sis! You deserve it. I'm very proud. She was also recently named Featured Blogger of the Week at homeschoolblogger.com. This is what they wrote about her:
"MotherJoy of Thoughtful Motherhood
1) My husband's grandfather turned 92 on Sunday - HOLY COW!
2) My husband, the law student, was offered a summer internship in Lewiston-Auburn, Maine. He will be spending 12 weeks there during this summer. We are pretty excited, as now we can say that "We summer in Maine" - which makes us sound more important than we are.
3) My sister, an amazing writer, recently won the Mt.Hermon Christian Writer's Retreat Scholarship. Congratualtions, Sis! You deserve it. I'm very proud. She was also recently named Featured Blogger of the Week at homeschoolblogger.com. This is what they wrote about her:
"MotherJoy of Thoughtful Motherhood
At each blog you visit you’ll meet a either a blogger who is careful with their words or one who feels free to say anything they are thinking. Both kinds of blogs can be honest, both can share what is going on in their lives and thoughts.
I like the blog title Thoughtful Motherhood. Not only does MotherJoy share her thoughts on being a mother, she posts her honest thoughts on life as well. Mothers have to think in order to train their children. It’s not just a matter of throwing food down for them to eat and patting them on the head. If we want to train our children to follow the Lord then we have to consciously think about how we will live our lives. If we want to train our children to be kind to others then we have to think about how we will teach them to be kind.
Go visit MotherJoy, she’s thinking."
11.05.2007
Life as I know it
Life for the past 3 years has been....weird? I don't really know how else to explain it. I went back to school to get my M.Ed., I was engaged and married, I started my first "real" job, we purchased a house, We purchased 2 ferrets, we adopted 2 dogs, I got my degree, the husband started law school, we finally found a church, and we are currently up-to-date (I think).
So, maybe the past 3 years haven't been weird, but they have been hard and full of change. I usually flatter myself and say that I am quite adaptable and flexible due to the fact that I was an army brat; however, the simple truth is my spirit bucked the constant change throughout my childhood. I would throw fits and down right tantrums. I just wanted everything to be stable. I wanted everything to be consistent, on track, and normal.
God's really been showing me over the past few months just how wrong I've had it. I constantly fought moving and change as an older child - never thinking that God might have exactly that for me - that He was indeed preparing me. I've tried to follow the "normal" order of things: school, graduate school, job, marriage, etc. I wanted life to make sense. BUT as a child...before all these control issues started - I was really free. I've been fighting who God has made me to be my entire adult life.
An everyday example of this would be our house. My husband and I are both "messy" people - He's a genius and I'm creative; you do the math. Yet, I still feel some wicked compulsion to keep my house "perfect" - if it's not like a Martha Stewart cover, then I am not happy. This has ,unfortunately, led to many a fit of rage and tears - and it's just a house. Any time I feel like the time line I "should" be following is in jeopardy, I get very angry and fearful. My anger and fear feed off each other until I am nothing but a crying, aching, wretched body - stress personified.
Well, recently, I have taken a little bit of a step out onto the water, away from anything I might have planned. I started my own business: The Purple Martin. It's exciting and for the first time in months, I've smiled. I still get caught up in how the little and big things "should" evolve in my life, but I'm hoping that (God willing) the Lord will continue to show me how to live the life He has chosen, instead of that which the world has prescribed.
Pray for me through this growing season. Pray that anger and fear will no longer be footholds in my heart and please, feel free to post a comment about the footholds in your life that you are learning about, I will pray for you too.
So, maybe the past 3 years haven't been weird, but they have been hard and full of change. I usually flatter myself and say that I am quite adaptable and flexible due to the fact that I was an army brat; however, the simple truth is my spirit bucked the constant change throughout my childhood. I would throw fits and down right tantrums. I just wanted everything to be stable. I wanted everything to be consistent, on track, and normal.
God's really been showing me over the past few months just how wrong I've had it. I constantly fought moving and change as an older child - never thinking that God might have exactly that for me - that He was indeed preparing me. I've tried to follow the "normal" order of things: school, graduate school, job, marriage, etc. I wanted life to make sense. BUT as a child...before all these control issues started - I was really free. I've been fighting who God has made me to be my entire adult life.
An everyday example of this would be our house. My husband and I are both "messy" people - He's a genius and I'm creative; you do the math. Yet, I still feel some wicked compulsion to keep my house "perfect" - if it's not like a Martha Stewart cover, then I am not happy. This has ,unfortunately, led to many a fit of rage and tears - and it's just a house. Any time I feel like the time line I "should" be following is in jeopardy, I get very angry and fearful. My anger and fear feed off each other until I am nothing but a crying, aching, wretched body - stress personified.
Well, recently, I have taken a little bit of a step out onto the water, away from anything I might have planned. I started my own business: The Purple Martin. It's exciting and for the first time in months, I've smiled. I still get caught up in how the little and big things "should" evolve in my life, but I'm hoping that (God willing) the Lord will continue to show me how to live the life He has chosen, instead of that which the world has prescribed.
Pray for me through this growing season. Pray that anger and fear will no longer be footholds in my heart and please, feel free to post a comment about the footholds in your life that you are learning about, I will pray for you too.
10.23.2007
Inspiration
Not much inspires me lately, save anger. I have found that anger is an emotion that I connect with most willingly and on a regular basis. Sadly, I've recognized this fact for sometime...and knowing that if I have committed anger in my heart, I have then committed murder - It's a constant struggle with huge ramifications.
For sometime I have been looking into why I am constantly angry. No, seriously people, it's a lifestyle. I wake up angry at the world, I go to bed angry at the world - and on days when I actually try to be normal and joyful, I soon become disheartened by the overwhelming guilt of how angry I have allowed myself to be in the past. If that's my rep. - why try changing?
I have decided the following:
1. I am unsatisfied with my life and this would most certainly cause one to be angry.
Let's explore this further.
I recently took a job inventory which informed me that I am on the verge of "burn-out."
I'm married to a second year law student (not his fault), but I'm lonely.
I often will find myself watching television or movies or aimlessly searching the internet in the hopes of getting lost in other peoples stories - which are more fulfilling or entertaining than mine. I feel unfulfilled and robot-like. Yes, I'm using my 8 years of education - but in no way does my day to day life involve me actually being me or using original thought or imagination (unless it is me dreaming a way out of this life).
How do you fix it?
God.
I think that I have done a lot of things in my past....things I chose - God, would have had better for me. I think I'm currently suffering the consequences of those decisions. Never reject God's best...or follow the "logical" plan. I'm just now finally getting to the point of looking at my desires and how those are God given and I need to pay heed and not follow man's way. I can't imagine how happy I would be if I had not taken this huge detour.
For sometime I have been looking into why I am constantly angry. No, seriously people, it's a lifestyle. I wake up angry at the world, I go to bed angry at the world - and on days when I actually try to be normal and joyful, I soon become disheartened by the overwhelming guilt of how angry I have allowed myself to be in the past. If that's my rep. - why try changing?
I have decided the following:
1. I am unsatisfied with my life and this would most certainly cause one to be angry.
Let's explore this further.
I recently took a job inventory which informed me that I am on the verge of "burn-out."
I'm married to a second year law student (not his fault), but I'm lonely.
I often will find myself watching television or movies or aimlessly searching the internet in the hopes of getting lost in other peoples stories - which are more fulfilling or entertaining than mine. I feel unfulfilled and robot-like. Yes, I'm using my 8 years of education - but in no way does my day to day life involve me actually being me or using original thought or imagination (unless it is me dreaming a way out of this life).
How do you fix it?
God.
I think that I have done a lot of things in my past....things I chose - God, would have had better for me. I think I'm currently suffering the consequences of those decisions. Never reject God's best...or follow the "logical" plan. I'm just now finally getting to the point of looking at my desires and how those are God given and I need to pay heed and not follow man's way. I can't imagine how happy I would be if I had not taken this huge detour.
10.09.2007
When did kids stop thinking
Look at your script. Find a sentence that is not grammatically correct and then, go write that sentence on the board.
These are fairly straight forward instructions, right? So, why am I barraged with questions immediately after the words have left my mouth. When did children stop learning how to think or worse yet, understand.
Daily, I am amazed at the lack of understanding a child shows. They continually have to be hand-held and led through the simplest instructions - like, "Get out a sheet of paper" or "Please, use a pencil." It's become rather ridiculous.
I can't remember myself being like this as a child and I find myself wondering what or why I was so different when I was their age.
And then I realize it. These children have been lead through everything. They have never been given the opportunity to work something out for themselves. They have had everything handed to them...and that includes thinking. This is how you think. Here are the step by step instructions. And unfortunately, this had led to a generation of children who cannot think or fathom the creation of their own journey, but can be easily led along someone else's.
These are fairly straight forward instructions, right? So, why am I barraged with questions immediately after the words have left my mouth. When did children stop learning how to think or worse yet, understand.
Daily, I am amazed at the lack of understanding a child shows. They continually have to be hand-held and led through the simplest instructions - like, "Get out a sheet of paper" or "Please, use a pencil." It's become rather ridiculous.
I can't remember myself being like this as a child and I find myself wondering what or why I was so different when I was their age.
And then I realize it. These children have been lead through everything. They have never been given the opportunity to work something out for themselves. They have had everything handed to them...and that includes thinking. This is how you think. Here are the step by step instructions. And unfortunately, this had led to a generation of children who cannot think or fathom the creation of their own journey, but can be easily led along someone else's.
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